Sherlock Roy
by Blazing Fool
Summary: Marth's most prized possesion is stolen, and Roy takes it upon himself to find it. Wreaking havoc along the way.
1. Yo Mama was an Ice Dragon

Here we are with my first SSBM fic!

Kyro: Which you finally wrote….

Roland: No kidding.

Silence, you! Back to the muse-cave! Uhhh…. Sorry about that. This idea came to me as a result of brain-storming with Kojay, so thanks go out to him. Oh yeah, by the way, although Roy, Marth, and Link might get kinda friendshippy, this is by no means a yaoi fic. Nor is it shounen-ai. Not now, not ever. This is multi-chaptered, so it will be updated.

I am still a relatively new author, so please constructivly criticize. Please don't flame, or Roy will be jealous of you. And believe me, you don't want a fire swordsman mad at you. I would know…

Roland: Grrrr….

Back! Anyway, I don't own SSBM. If I did, it would have plot, and Roy's default costume would be red. Because red is cool. Also, the camera mode could be fully managed by one person. And since none of that is true, I can safely say I don't own it.

On with the show! Bwa ha ha!

Sherlock Roy

" Oh Maaaaaarrrrth!" sang an irripressibly energetic voice. "Time to get up! We're gonna miss breakfast!"

The blue-haired swordsman groaned and turned over to look at the clock.

"W-what the… FOUR THIRTY! WHAT"S THE MATTER WITH YOU!" he screamed. In Smash Mansion, there was no official time to wake up. Most of the Smashers tried to get up in time to hit breakfast, which was a rather chaotic event. But 4:30 was out of the question!

"I am NOT going to be the last one to make it to breakfast," said Roy. "After what happened yesterday, I thought this was a reasonable time!"

"4..30…" mumbled Marth. He hadn't taken _that_ long in the bathroom, had he? You don't get this pretty without a little toil after all. Marth took a second to contemplate why he had just called himself "pretty." Oh well.

"Look, I just wanna get to breakfast on time FOR ONCE. So hurry up, we don't have time."

"What do you mean not enough time? Breakfast doesn't start for three hours!" cried Marth. Noises were heard from the adjacent rooms, but the two took no notice.

"Yeah, but knowing you, I probably should have gotten up earlier." grinned Roy.

"W-what's that supposed to mean!" exclaimed Marth.

"It means youtake_ forever_ in the bathroom, Hair-Boy." Roy was still smiling cheekily. Marth was aghast. _Nobody_ messed with the 'do. It was blue! How often do you see that? (A/N: A lot nowadays, actually….00)

"Oh yeah? What about your hair, Flame-head? I'm afraid to go near your scalp for fear of acquiring 3rd degree burns!" Marth smiled smugly.

Roy frowned. "Well what do you expect? I'm **half-dragon**. You should be glad I didn't get the whole package! I could have been born with horns, claws, fire breath… At least my hair is a natural color! I _know_ you dye yours."

" I DO NOT! And besides, your mom was an **ice** dragon."

Roy grinned again. Marth had fallen into his trap once again. Time to deliver the finishing blow.

"Well, your momma…"

"NO! Do NOT start with those accursed your-momma jokes! Those things are evil! EVIL I SAY!" It was at that moment that Marth realized he was yelling. In Smash Mansion. At 4:30. And the evil Smashers were _right next door. _

The door burst open, and a giant Koopa claw came out. An eerie fog shrouded the outside. Bowser's hand grabbed Marth and dragged him out, screaming all the way. Among Marth's wailing, the cackling of many evil voices (and some that Roy recognized as not-so-evil) was heard. The door slammed shut, and silence settled over the room. Roy sat on the bed, dumbfounded by what happened. His brow was wreathed in heavy thought…

_How the heck did they get fog inside a mansion?_

Roy eventually decided that HAL Laboratories was indeed insane as everyone said, and he came to the topic of whether or not he should rescue Marth. He spent a few minutes wondering, but then decided that the more time he thought, the less time he had to eat. All thoughts of Marth gone from his mind, he bolted in and out of the bathroom and flew downstairs, causing a ruckus all the way. The Smashers were too busy tormenting Marth to pay any attention to him, however.

Unbeknownst to Roy, a shadowed figure slunk into his room, entering Marth's personal chest. The figure retrieved an item, and quickly fled the room.

"Fwa ha ha ha… Finally, it is mine…"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A couple hours later, Link was strolling through the hall.

"Man, it sure is a great morn-what the heck?" Marth was sprawled on the stairs.

Apparently, the prince wasn't doing so well. He was battered, bruised, and had pajamas with little kittens all over them, for some reason…

"Uhhh…." he moaned.

"Holy Farore! What the heck happened to you, Marth?" Link cried. " And why are you wearing those pajamas?"

Marth slowly stood to his feet.

" I'm pretty sure Mewtwo brainwashed me into putting them on. I'm still wearing my real clothes underneath. A fact which I am thanking the gods for with each passing second…." Link took a moment to ponder just why Mewtwo had kitty pajamas, then thought better of it. The less he knew, the less he'd be traumatized.

"O…kay…" Link muttered. " But why was Mewtwo mad at you?"

" I made the mistake of waking most of the evil Smashers. They weren't very pleased. It… wasn't pretty. I swear, when I get my hands on Roy…" He left his words hanging ominously in the air.

Link nodded. So that was what the ruckus was that morning. He thought it was a group of rampaging Cuccoos. Link shuddered. Cuccoos… the very reason why he left Hyrule. That flock was probably still hunting him…

It was at this moment that Roy came out of the kitchen door. He didn't seem to be doing so well, either. His face was green, and his stomach seemed to have grown a tad bit.

" burp Ooo… I shouldn't have had that donut. Or the twenty before it… Oooo…"

Link stared. Was everyone going nuts today? He'd never seen Roy full before.

"Roy! You little- look what's happened to me! This is your fault!" yelled Marth.

" Ah-ah-ah…" Roy waggled his finger. "You were the one who started yelling, not me. 'Sides, Doc Mario'll fix you up. I wonder if he can help me…" muttered Roy.

"It's not really a question of if he can, it's if he will." replied Marth. " He's probably still made about when you burned all the magazines in his waiting room."

" I was bored! And he was going to give me a shot! I was nervous, okay?"

Link rolled his eyes. The great hero of Elibe, scared by a shot… If everyone on that continent was like Roy, it might be best to stay away.

Marth sighed. How he and Roy came from the same game series, he'd never know.

_Wait… what's a "game series?" _he wondered. " Fine. There's no point in being mad at you, is there?"

Link smiled. "Yup! We swordsmen gotta stick together, right? No let's get you two to the doc."

Marth started to head back to his room. Link and Roy were talking about some obscure topic somewhere along the lines of whether it was possible to meld swords and bows together. Marth had left the minute he heard the words "swords' and "melding". Roy and melding did not go well together. He really did not want to remember the sword-plunger of '97. That took 8 years of therapy to get rid of. Looking back, it may not have been a good idea to tell Mario to investigate those pipes… It was a good thing the hat was all that was stabbed. Tiaras were way better anyway.

Marth walked inside his room. The fog had long since dissipated, but Marth noticed something was wrong. His chest was open, and there were footprints on the ground.

_They didn't take…NOOOOO!_

Elsewhere…----------------------------------------------------

" A bow that fires swords! That's all I'm saying!" said Roy.

"No way," said Link. "Swords are way too heavy. There's no way someone could even fire that bow, let alone accurately."

"Look, just 'cause your flimsy Hylian arms couldn't—"

Luckily for Roy and his big mouth, a blood- curtling scream wrenched the air.

"NOOOOO!"

What the—that sounds like Marth!" yelled Link. The duo rushed to the room Roy and Marth shared only to find Marth huddled in the feeble position, rocking back and forth.

"N-no… they took it… it's gone…."

He he he he he…. You are all slaves to the cliff-hanger….

Next chapter: We find out just what was stolen, and Roy begins his quest. Also, Marth loses his mind. Heh heh heh…. Prepare for Cuccoo-induced insanity with Link when the flock comes back for revenge….

Let's just say it involves whistles, electrical cords, a word processor, and one really angry porcupine.

R/R, and see if you can guess what was stolen. There's a hint in this chapter.

Blazing Fool


	2. The Case of the Missing Tiara

Meh. Kind of lack of humor in this chapter, sorry. It's coming, I promise. Review responses:

Ri2: You get the first reviewer award! As well as the correct-guesser award. You'll see what's bad about the sword plunger later in the story…

Psie: Chapter's here, but I'm not sure it'll meet your expectations. Kind of in an updating rush, sorry…

Roy-Marth: S'aright, a lot of people didn't know. Even I didn't for a while…. I'm pitiful. Don't worry, I got it now.

Adestiny: Alright, alright! I wrote! Ahh….

Tetsukon: Thanks for the info, I'll be sure to use it in the chapter after this.

Master Disaster: No! I like my village! Have mercy!

Eladard Kikur: I'd love to hear your theory, as I have been confused on this for a while.

Ickiakki: Rojo es bueno. (Red is good.)

Caliban the Wizard: Well, this is a change. Usually I review your stories, not the other way around! Sorry I made you fall out of your chair. I'll force Roy to pay your medical bills…. I mean, I'll pay your medical bills! I also torment Cucoos, as well as pigs in Wind Waker. Heeheehee…

Kojay: How can you give me a 7/10 when you're the beta reader! Jeez… Remind me to kick your butt at SSBM later.

Anydangways, I don't own SSBM. Nor do I own Sherlock Holmes. I do own random pedestrian #5036, though. On with the show!

" W-what's gone?" asked Link. Everything seemed normal to him….

"His chest is open. I bet I know…" Roy leaned into the trunk and rummaged around. "Yeah, it isn't here."

"Will somebody please tell me what's going on? And get off me!" Marth had abandoned the feeble position and was now clinging to Link's leg, sobbing uncontrollably.

Roy looked at the wailing Marth and replied: "His tiara."

"What? THAT"S why we ran all the way here? I was worried something really bad had happened!"

"Stay worried."

"WHY! It's a stupid tiara! I always thought he looked kinda frilly in it, anyway…"

Roy sighed, something he usually didn't do. "It's not just a tiara. That decorative hair ornament is the source of Marth's self-confidence (and sanity). I stole it once as a joke, and…." Roy shuddered. It wasn't often that Marth went insane, but when he did, the results were catastrophic.

"So what do we do?"

"We find it before he hurts somebody."

Unfortunately, it was at that moment that Master Hand came on the intercom.

"All Smashers to my office. NOW!"

Roy and Link looked at each other, then at Marth. He was in no condition to go anywhere. Roy looked over at Marth's chest, or rather, the art supplies in it.

"You thinking what I'm thinking?

"You're thinking?"

"Stow it!"

Needless to say, the office was packed. 24 people just do not fit in one office. Try cramming 24 people in your principal's office. That's how bad it was. Master Hand did not care, however, as the laws of physics did not seem to apply to him.

Apparently, neither did manners. All the Smashers had arrived, but Master Hand had not. Well… not all the Smashers.

"This is never gonna work." whispered Link.

"You wanna drag Marth down here? 'Cause I don't." replied Roy.

"You cobbled together a Marth mannequin with some paint, a broom, Marth's Falchion, and a mannequin. This is never gonna work." repeated Link. "Nobody will be fooled."

"Wow Marth, did you do something to your hair?" asked Captain Falcon.

"W-well, that's Captain Falcon," said Link. "You could have put up a sign that says "'MARTH IS NOT HERE'" and he would still be fooled. But everyone else…"

"Hiya Marth," said Peach with a wink. " You doing anything tonight?" By this point Link was fuming.

"We're all crammed up against each other! How can you not tell the difference between Marth and that manne-" Roy clamped his hand over Link's mouth.

"You'll have to excuse Link, he's …uh… pickled." Everyone raised his or her eyebrows at Roy's choice of vocabulary, but soon went back to muttering about Master Hand and being late.

"Pickled?"

"I was desperate! Anyway, we appear to have duped them."

A couple minutes later, the door at the back of the office burst open. It was the door leading to Final Destination, and for a brief second the Smashers caught a glimpse of the starry battlefield, before Master Hand flew out and slammed the door shut. Violent slamming noises began to emanate from the other side, and Master Hand struggled to keep it closed. Somebody could be heard wailing in the background.

"I--suppose you're--wondering--why I--called you here." He grunted. He seemed almost accusing.

"Well, duh." Said someone in the crowd. Roy was struggling to keep the mannequin from falling apart.

"Oomph! Someone --stole --Crazy Hand's – pinkie ring!" There was a collective gasp from the Smashers, until they realized they didn't care.

"So?" said the voice.

" He'--gone--crazy!"

"…" was the response.

"MORE THAN USUAL!"

"Ohhh….."

"Somebody -- has to -- find it!" cried Master Hand.

"Why can't you?" There was that voice again.

"You-- wanna--hold this door?"

And with that, the Smashers hurriedly burst out of the door, landing in a heap on the ground.

"Didn't think so." Away from the oblivious Smashers, Master Hand began to waggle is fingers and mutter a chant. Roy and Link managed to turn around in time to see Master Hand point directly at Roy.

After untangling their limbs from the heap of bodies, all the Smashers had left, except for Roy, Link, and Marth Mannequin (we'll call him M.M.) M.M. was in a bad way, with his fake hair and limbs about to fall off.

"Marth, you don't look so good." Said Roy, full of concern. Link crashed to the ground anime-style.

"Don't tell me you fooled yourself!" he shouted. "What is wrong with you people?"

"Uh, Link, you're freaking me out. He's weird, isn't he Marth?" Link grabbed the mannequin and threw it out the window.

Outside….

"Ahh, it sure is a great day." said Random Pedestrian #5036 as he strolled by Smash Mansion. Suddenly, he was crushed underneath a life-size Marth mannequin (only $500.00 at your local retailer).

Back inside…

"Hey, why was Master Hand pointing at me?" asked Roy.

"Maybe he's falling for ya." chuckled Link.

"You know, just because I'm straight and you're not doesn't mean you have to pick on me…" Roy mocked.

"Hey! You know perfectly well that I have a girlfriend! Besides if you knew how many people think you and Marth are an item…"

" Did somebody say my name!" thundered a voice from across the hall. It sounded like somebody was trying to act like a super hero, but failing miserably. Roy and Link's jaws dropped to the floor at the sight in front of them.

Marth was dressed in blue pajamas, with a tie-die towel tied across his neck like a cape. He had a bunny-slipper on one foot, and a piece of soap tied to the other. To top it off, he was wearing a pot on his head. His eye was twitching uncontrollably, and he was grinning like a lunatic.

"Link, I'm scared!" whimpered Roy. "Make it go away!"

"Uhhh…. Marth, you feeling okay?" Link tentatively asked.

"Nonsense! Ifeelgreatwhywouldn'tIbeonsuchabeautifulwonderfultiara-lessday!" Marth was talking quickly in a high, hysterical voice.

"Umm… it's okay Marth. We'll find your tiara…." Link began to give obscure hand signals to Roy, who slunk off behind Marth.

"WhatareyoutalikingaboutIhavemytiarait'srighthereSEE!" Marth pointed at the pot on his head.

"Uh, yeah… Whatever you say, buddy…"

"Whoohoothat'sgreatsowhaddayouwannadotoday--Gah!"

Marth collapsed to the ground, a dart poking out of his back. He began snoring loudly. Roy slung him over his shoulder, and proceeded to stuff him in a near-by closet.

"He'll be safe in there. So anyway, like I was saying, your girlfriend is just a cover-up for your true preferences, and--" Link cut off Roy's ramblings.

" Were you paying any attention to what just happened? We gotta find that tiara and restore Marth's sanity!"

Roy appeared thoughtful. "Hmm… you're right. I've been getting Marth into trouble for too long, and it's about time I get him out of it for a change."

Link smiled. It was good to see Roy actually taking responsibility for once.

"But we'll need supplies." continued Roy. "Hang on a sec." In an impossible light-speed jump of space, time, and storytelling, Roy dashed away, and in a few seconds dashed back. He spun around Link, and when he stopped, Link saw that he was dressed in a strange hat, with a trenchcoat and pipe. Exactly like Sherlock Holmes, actually. Link looked down and saw that he was clothed in similar attire, only slightly different. Just like Watson.

"Hang on. We need a bloodhound." Roy dashed away again, leaving Link to ponder where Roy had gotten these clothes. But his musings were interrupted by Roy's return. He seemed to be carrying something.

"I found this little guy in a tree outside. He was looking at some guy in a green tunic through binoculars and taking notes. The guy looked just like you, actually…"

It was only then that Link saw what Roy was carrying. It was a….

Cucoo.

"AHHHHHH!"

Will Master Hand be able to hold back Crazy Hand? Will Roy and Link ever even start their quest? Will Link resist the temptation to attack the Cucoo? Why am I asking you? I'm the author!

Sorry about the lack of humor, but I'm kind of in an updating rush. I'm going to boot camp for 4 weeks(on my own free will, I'm not a delinquent), so I won't get a chance to write. I'll get chapter 3 up before I leave, promise. Over and out.

-Blazing Fool


	3. Bartholomew, Spawn of Evil

Let's have a big round of applause for Chapter 3!…Or not. Review responses: 

Eladard Kikur: Interesting… Thanks for clearing that up. Don't keep Roy too long, or your lab may catch on fire. Moral: Never hold a pyro against his will.

Master Disaster: See, that's the thing. I don't have a village. I have an _empire._

Tetsukon: Thanks for cheering me up. And I used your advice from your last review. Thanks a ton!

Ri2: I'm too mean to let him run. Fwa ha ha ha…..

Psie: I'm glad you like the story, but I'm afraid I can't let Marth have any jaffa cakes, no matter how much he wants them. That would be the end of humanity as we know it. I'm rather fond of humanity.

Tikitikirevenge: JustcountyourselfluckythatMasterHandistheretokeepthedoorclosedbecauseCrazyHandcan'tbeapimpwithouthisringandthatsreallyreallyreallybad.

Kojay: You whiner. I'll stick the pig in the next chapter, okay?

Roy-Marth: 1. Glad you like it.

2. I'll keep updating.

3. Thanks for the review.

I bring you the long awaited duel between Link and his fine feathered foe! And by the way, Bartholomew is what Roy named the Cuccoo. Just thought you should know that so you aren't confused. Here we go!

Link… 

"Huh? W-who's there!"

Listen child… 

"Listen to what? Who is this? Are you my conscience? I thought Doctor Mario removed you!"

_Pain is a terrible thing…_

"Tell me about it. I stubbed my toe the other day, and holy cow, did it hurt!"

_There are many that spread it, for many reasons…_

"Um, yeah, I guess…."

There are those who spread it to those they hate to see them suffer… 

"This is a rather morbid conversation…"

_There are those who spread it to gain power…_

"Conscience, you're scaring me…" 

…_And then there's you._

"What?" There are those such as you, who spread pain solely for the wild joy… 

"Hang on! When did I do that?"

_The ecstasy that it brings…_

" Aaahhh! What's happening?"

_It consumes you…_

"N-no! W-what is that?" 

_Now go…_

"G-get that thing away from me!" 

_Fulfill your destiny…_

"No! Zelda told me to stop doing this!" 

_Bring pain to those who will receive it…_

"N-no! I can't! You can't make me!" 

_ATTACK THAT CUCOO!_

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" 

"Um, Link? You okay? You've been staring at Bartholomew for, like, five minutes. And your eye is all…twitchy." True to Roy's words, Link was standing as rigid as a board, and he and "Bartholomew" seemed to be engaged in a staring contest. More like staring war, actually. The cuccoo's eyes were starting to turn red. Finally, Link cracked out of his shell.

"Must--obey -- inner--voice!" he yelled, as he drew the Master Sword out of its sheath. He began to advance towards Roy and his "bloodhound" menacingly.

"L-link? Don't hurt me! Or Bartholomew!" cried Roy as he stumbled backwards. But as he said it, Bartholomew jumped out of his arms and began to advance on Link. The two walked towards each other until they were directly in front of each other. Bartholomew and Link stared into each other's eyes. An eerie silence settled over the hallway (well, except for Marth screaming in the closet).

Link raised his sword, and in a swift arc, brought it down upon the foul fowl (I couldn't resist.) Bartholomew flinched, but didn't move. In fact, he seemed almost happy. In a conniving, evil little bird way. The fluttering of wings could be heard outside the Mansion, but Link took no notice. He seemed possessed.

_Slice!_ Link struck again. If birds could grin, Bartholomew's beak would have cracked by now. He seemed completely unaffected by the Master Sword's blows. Aside from a certain blue-haired swordsman's crazed ramblings, the Wild-West-duel-esque silence still hung in the air.

Link raised his sword yet again. Bartholomew gazed into its depths, as if seeing the future there. Roy munched his popcorn as he watched the suspense unfold. Marth continued to scream from his place in the closet. Blazing Fool continued to type, wondering what the heck he ate last night that was causing him to type all this.

**Slice!**

Zelda never did quite figure out how she found her boyfriend hanging by his tunic on a tree outside the Mansion, covered in beak and talon wounds. All he ever said about the incident was: "Remind me to buy Lon Lon Ranch some barbed wire, security cameras, and a few hidden snipers." Apparently Roy was selling footage of the whole thing on Ebay, but he adamantly refused to let any of them watch it, saying: "I'll let you guys figure out what happened." According to a few rumors, Nintendo, after watching the footage, was considering making a game called: _Bartholomew Cuccoo: Link Hunter. _

And what of Link, you ask? Well, he was completely disgraced and was never again allowed within hero circles again. After Ganondorf decided to compose his armies entirely out of Cuccoos, he wasn't even able to save Hyrule, and the job of Hero of Time was given to Mido. Mido married Saria and they had 12 kids. Zelda dumped Link for Ganondorf, and Roy became a super-billionaire from the cash he made.

It was at this point in time that an aspiring young fanfiction author known as Blazing Fool was inexplicably granted the powers to control space and time. Having just finally beaten the Water Temple in Ocarina of Time, he was feeling very pro-Link and decided to help. He altered time so that Roy left the video camera in his room, and Link was merely mauled. As opposed to disgraced and humiliated. Why not help him completely? Well kiddies, that's 'cause Blazing Fool now has to beat the Shadow Temple. Lucky him.

"Wow, that was the biggest sidetrack of all time." remarked Roy. "Aren't we supposed to be hunting a thief or something?"

"As soon as I recover." Said Link from his bed in the hospital ward. Zelda, who was subbing in for Nurse Peach, dug a dislodged beak out of his shoulder. "Yooowww!"

"Well, I suppose while you two are here, I should interrogate you." said Roy to the couple.

"Go interrogate yourself." grumbled Link. He wasn't feeling too chipper at the moment.

"Excellent idea, Watson! Okay, Roy, where were you, er, where was I on the day of yesterday?" Roy began to question himself. Zelda decided to change the subject.

"Roy, why would you think we did it? Furthermore, why would you think you did it?"

"Well, Sherlock Holmes' method was to eliminate all possibilities until one possibility remained. Since there's 24 of us, that's 24 suspects, and none of them can be considered unlikely. Not even me." Said Roy knowledgeably

Link and Zelda were shocked. "Um, okay… But how did you know that?" asked a befuddled Link.

"Oh, that's easy," replied Roy. "I read Tetsukon's review." Link and Zelda, having no idea what Roy was talking about, just looked at each other and decided that Roy was being Roy.

"So, Link," he continued. "Where were you during the theft?" Link decided to just go along with it.

"I was anti-Cuccooing the grounds. It didn't work, obviously." He said, wincing as Zelda pulled a talon out of his leg. " I will tell you this, though. Ganondorf was stalking around your room. I don't know what he was doing, but he looked mighty suspicious…."

"Hmmm…" hmmed Roy, taking a whiff of his pipe.

"Is there anything in there?" asked a concerned Zelda, pointing at the pipe.

"Of course not!" cried Roy. " Don't you know smoking kills? Anyway, where were you, Zelda?"

" I was watching Link," she replied. "He still has that silly Cuccoo-phobia. I've been trying to get him out of it, but he still spends every morning setting traps and such."

"Silly? Look what happened today!" yelled Link.

"You provoked him." replied Zelda calmly.

"It couldn't be helped. My conscience made me do it." muttered Link.

"Okay… So, neither of you confess?" asked Roy.

"Nope."

"Nope."

"Alright, good enough for me." said Roy as he stood up.

"Wait, that's it? We could easily be lying!" Link yelled.

" So you confess?" asked Roy with a dangerous glint in his eye.

"If Sherlock over there says we're innocent, then we're innocent," Zelda said quickly. She pulled out a pair of tweezers. "Now hold still…"

"Yoowww!"

A few minutes later, in a dark room somewhere in the Mansion….

"Fwa ha ha ha…" a dark figure mysteriously laughed. " I will add this ring to my collection…" It placed the giant pinkie ring next to Marth's tiara and other assorted pieces of jewelry. "Now… who's next?"

Outside the Mansion…

"My mission was a success," said Bartholomew into his walkie-talkie. "Now we can begin phase 2… send in the pigs!"

"Excellent work, Agent 9. We will send more reinforcements shortly." Came the reply. Just then, Random Pedestrian #5037 walked by.

"I sure hope #5036 is okay," he said. "Wow, is that a talking Cuccoo?"

Bartholomew dropped the walkie-talkie. "He has found us out!" The small bird began to advance towards the poor man menacingly.

"No… Get back! Get back! AAAAAHHHHH!"

Inside a closet in the Mansion….

"COULDNTYOUATLEASTHAVELETMEHAVEABATHROOMBREAK!" screamed Marth. "ANDSOMEFOODLIKEJAFFACAKES!"

Ahhh…….. I have accomplished my task. Now I can die at boot camp with no regrets. Remember me as I was. I actually have a few days left, so I may or may not get Chapter 4 up in that time. I don't want to rush it though, so don't count on it.

(In a DBZ announcer voice) Next time on: Sherlock Roy…..

Roy, Link and Zelda interrogate Ganondorf (meaning Roy gets to torture him.) Expect more Random Pedestrian abuse, and we find out Zelda's greatest fear. It has fins. That's all I'll say for now. And if Kojay bugs me enough, I'll stick some pigs in it too. This ain't happening for about 4 weeks, though, so don't get your hopes up. Please don't kill me for the long wait.

-Blazing Fool


	4. Attack of the Glompers

Waugh! Please don't kill me! I realize that it's been forever since I updated, but I had a burst of inspiration for another humor story. Don't kill me! Oh yeah, and since muse skits are no longer available, I've installed an industrial door on my brain so my muses will shut up while I'm typing. For those of you actually care about me (sniff), boot camp sucked, but I've been back for a while. Review responses!

Master Disaster: Allow me to point your attention to paragraph 37 of chapter 3, specifically, the part about gaining the power to warp space and time.

Psie: You just better hope Marth doesn't break outta that closet. Hmmm… not a bad idea…..

Roy-Marth: In the immortal words of, well… my shirt: You're unique. Just like everyone else.

Tetsukon: See, I listen to my reviewers! Here's your update.

Happyham: Thanks! Here is the update (if you're still there.)

Kojay: Waugh! TINGLE? So… much…. bombing…. And shut up about reatestgay earsfay! You'll poilsay the whole lotpay!

Xiao-Darkcloud: Wow, you reviewed all the chapters! I usually just review the latest…. Was that random guy you hit a Random Pedestrian? Cause only I can torture those. Grrrr…. But I can loan you some if you want.

Ayumi187: Rrrraaagghhh! I thought I hit all my typos. Well… nonetheless, thank you for being one of the few who won't kill me.

NintendoNut1: Here's your update, foo! Thanks for putting me in your faves, by the way.

Shadowdragon93: Hey, an anonymus reviewer! Takes me back to my days of anonymity, when I was fleeing the Sri Lankan-er, that is, uh… here's your update!

Man, I'm getting a lot of reviewers. Anyway, here is the long, really long awaited Ch. 4!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Roy paced down the hallway, still dressed in his Sherlock Holmes trenchcoat. Link and Zelda were still following him, although they were beginning to wonder why. The trio had been walking for what felt like hours, passing every room and corridor in the Mansion at least twice. In fact, they had already passed Marth's closet three times. It was strangely quiet, although Link could have sworn he heard Marth muttering "my precious."

Finally, Zelda got fed up and decided to politely inquire as to Roy's motives.

"ROY! WHAT THE HECK ARE WE DOING?"

Roy attempted to compose himself before answering calmly. "I'm looking for a bite to eat. What are you guys doing?" Link and Zelda collapsed.

"W-we're following you!" yelled Link. "Aren't I supposed to be Watson or something? And aren't we supposed to be looking for Marth's tiara? Y'know, so he doesn't break out of that closet and kill us for putting him in there in the first place?"

"Nonsense!" replied Roy cheerily. " Marth would never hurt us! We're his beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee--"

---------------------------- 5 minutes later ----------------------------------------------------------------------

"--eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeestest friends in the whole wide world!" he beamed like a small child. " Not to mention his only friends." Link shook himself out of the cuteness-induced coma that had kicked in after the fifth 'e'.

"Oh really? Mind if I flashback?" he replied.

"I'll get the popcorn!"

----------------------------------Flashback 1---------------------------------------------------------------------

"Roy! You ate the cookies I baked!" screamed Marth.

"Go easy on the chocolate chips next time, m'kay?"

"DIE!"

----------------------------------Flashback 2---------------------------------------------------------------------

"Roy! You burnt my cape! DIE!"

---------------------------------Flashback 3----------------------------------------------------------------------

"Roy! You spent all our money on solid gold horseshoes! DIE!"

--------------------------------Flashback 4-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Roy! You ate Popo! Spit him out, then DIE!"

-------------------------------Flashback 5------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Senor Roy! Tu empelar mi bazo!"

---------------------------Flashback 6----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Roy! I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance! DIE!"

----------------------------Flashba-

"Alright, alright, I get it!" yelled Roy, **rudely** cutting off the writer in mid flashback. I'm gonna go cry for a while. Boo hoo hoo… Okay, I'm back. I hope you're happy, Roy. Anyway…

"That last one wasn't even my fault. Blame that stupid talking gecko. Nyeh… geckoes…" Roy began to twitch and started mumbling about "geckoes" and "evil" and "get them, yes we will."

Link dumbfoundedly stared at his friend for a few minutes, then tentatively decided to attempt to pull Roy back to sanity. Of course, if that doesn't work he could always throw Roy in the closet with Marth. Wait… Roy and Marth alone in a dark closet… Do I hear girls drooling? Ah, well.

"Um, Roy? Shouldn't we, ah… go investigate the perp?" Link decided against throwing Roy in the closet, if only to stick it to those fangirls. Pair him up with Dark Link, would they…

Roy broke out of his crazed ramblings and looked at Link.

"Eh? Oh yeah. Gotta question Geckodorf. Er… Ganondorf." He twitched. "Well, let's go interroga-question him. Well, we should get going. Come on guys." It was then that they looked at Zelda, actually acknowledging her presence for the first time in the last few chapters.

And noticed she was in the bathroom, throwing up.

"Oh, great!" yelled Link. "You made her sick with that whole bestest friend thing! Hasn't anything like that happened before that taught you not to do it?"

"Well…"

---------------------FE7 flashback-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

" Hello, Karel. Remember me, Eliwood? I'd like you to meet my son, Roy."

"Hi! I'm Roy!" said Chibi Roy. "Let's be bestest friends!"

"…" Karel unsheathed his sword and advanced.

-----------------------End Flashback-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I don't really remember much after that. They said I was in the hospital for 9 months."

Link sweatdropped. It was a little disturbing that Roy's father was willing to introduce his 5-year-old son to a homicidal maniac. It explained so much, though…

"Anyway…" he said. " What are we going to do? I can't just leave her like this, she'll kill me!"

"Alright, alright, but first, how come you were only in a coma for a few minutes while she's horking up?" asked Roy.

"Well, I, ah… have a bit of a built-up resistance to annoying voices."

(_Somewhere in Kokiri Forest…)_

"Achoo!" sneezed Navi.

( Smash Mansion…) 

"Hey! Wh-what the-" said Zelda (who had momentarily stopped throwing up) suddenly. Because out of that toilet came the most horrifying thing she had ever seen in the universe other than that time Bowser and Ganondorf were kissing. It sent Zelda on a nostalgic mental road trip of the years of therapy she had endured to quench her utter hatred of this particular creature.

Ruto.

"YOU!" screeched the Zora princess, whose look of hatred rivaled Zelda's for utter malice. She jumped out of the toilet, and she was followed by what can only be described as Zelda's worst nightmare. Saria, Malon, Nabooru, Marin, and all the girls Link had met on his journeys flung themselves from the toilet, armed to the teeth with maces and swords and porcupines. ( Just checking if you were paying attention.) Link grinned, but Zelda paled and screamed:

"WHAT ARE **YOU** ALL DOING HERE?"

"You've stolen our Linky," said Malon. "We want him back. But we have to get rid of a certain princess first…" she lowered her voice threateningly.

"Why should he go out with you?" asked Saria. "I knew him first!" Link's grin faded as he saw them advance towards Zelda and raise their weapons slowly.

"Erm… Sorry ladies, but um, uh…. WE GOTTA GO!" he grabbed Roy and Zelda and made a break for the door.

"GET THEM!" screamed Ruto. The girls had by now assembled into an angry mob, and chased after the Hylian hero with ferocity that could be matched only by Kirby at an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet.

"THEY'RE GAINING!" shrieked Link. He had dropped Roy, but was trying to restrain Zelda from running back and killing them. The princess had changed since seeing her archenemies, and was now frothing at the mouth and shrieking about how she was "cursing them and their ancestors for ever even gazing upon her Linkie-Poo" (Despite the danger, Roy snickered at the nickname.) As much as Link disliked the glompers, allowing Zelda to kill them would create a lot of unwanted paperwork for his pals at Nintendo, so he attempted to restrain her, which was not an easy task when he was running for his life.

"Wait! I have an idea!" yelled Roy. "Hang on!" He began to run even faster, and made it to a window.

And then he jumped out. If Link was shocked at the thought that Roy had actually had an idea, the condition he was in now could only be described as stupefied. What was Roy doing?

Link turned a corner and saw salvation in closet form. Being a different closet from the one Marth was locked in, closet #125 was the perfect place to hide. He hurriedly opened the door, threw Zelda in and jumped in himself. Thinking quickly, he ripped off part of his tunic and stuffed it in Zelda's mouth to keep her screaming from alerting the mob. Although Link was just a _tad _bit angry at Roy- okay, make that furious at Roy- for abandoning him with his crazed girlfriend and an angry mob of glompers desperate to kill her, he did hope that they didn't capture Roy. He wouldn't wish that on anybody.

Suddenly Link heard "THERE SHE IS!" from outside. _Oh no!_ he thought. He heard footsteps approach the closet…. The handle turned… the pie baked… the door opened…

…revealing the familiar face of a certain red-haired swordsman. Link almost collapsed from relief.

"Roy!" he yelled. " Thank Farore!"

"Guys, come on! I know where we can hide!" said Roy quickly. The trio crept slowly across the hallway, while Roy and Link whispered.

"_How did you get them to leave?"_ asked Link.

"_Simple." _replied Roy. "_I found a decoy."_

---------------------------In another hallway--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Now we have you!" cried Ruto as the mob caught up to Zelda. "Prepare to- Wh-what the?"

"Zelda" turned around revealing a middle aged man in makeup.

"You tricked us!" screeched Malon.

"I guess we'll just take out our anger on you, then." said Saria. Random Cross-dressing Pedestrian # 5309 paled as they moved in on him slowly.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Okay, go, go!' said Roy. Link and Zelda slid into the room Roy had indicated and he followed them. They didn't see a shadowed figure enter the room with them…

The room that they entered looked suspiciously like a small girl's, complete with pink walls, unicorns, and stuffed animals. All in all, it looked it had been ripped from the Care Bears.

"Let me guess," said Link. "Peach's room?" I mean come on, what else is she supposed to think?

"No…" said Zelda, whose blind, seething rage had subsided into quiet malice with the occasional twitch. "This is…. someone else's. I don't think I've been in this room before."

"Um, actually…" said Roy sheepishly. "I don't know whose room this is. I just thought we should hide here from those girls."

"Speaking of which, what happened to your decoy?"

--------------------------Somewhere in the Mansion----------------------------------------------------------

"AAAAAHHHHHH!" screamed #5309 as he ran down the hall. "Gotta hide, gotta hide… Ah- ha!" He ran to a closet.

"Where is he?" screamed Saria as the mob turned the corner. Suddenly, a now-normally dressed #5309 popped up behind her.

"He's in there!" he said, pointing to the closet. "Go get him!" The mob of girls ran into the closet, and #5309 barricaded the door behind them.

"Phew!" he sighed. "Heh heh heh…. Guess I'm just smarter than the author. He can't kill all of us!"

Then he imploded.

-------------------------------Back in the pink room------------------------------------------------------------

"Where did you find that guy, anyway?" asked Link.

"Oh, I landed on him after I jumped out the window. Apparently he was moaning about his brothers being killed by some crazed fanfic writer. Yeah right!" They all had a good laugh at the thought that a bunch of authors could control their lives-eheheh-and then decided to explore the room to find a trace of it's occupants.

Unfortunately, they had somehow missed the computer in the corner and the person who was using it. No, it is not me.

Ganondorf looked up from the Dark Link/Link/Ganondorf love triangle fic he was typing only to see three intruders snooping around his room. One of which happened to be his archenemy Link. Needless to say, he was infuria- what the? What's he doing? Hey!

"Linky!" squealed the King of Evil as he clung to Link's waist, ignoring the author's protests. "You, like, never come to see me! Have you, like finally come to break up with Zelda and propose to me? I, like, knew you would!"

Zelda twitched.

Holy crap! I didn't think one person could-oh my gosh! Folks, this is not pretty, I- Wow! I didn't know the small intestine was that big! This is- Woah! I don't think that's supposed to bend that way!

Link attempted to pull back the struggling Zelda before she inflicted anymore damage on the bloodied mass that was once called Ganondorf. (Awwww, she's jealous…) Roy cackled with laughter and pulled out his lighter to see if it was possible to set fire to something that's been turned inside out.

---------------------------1164 Band-Aids (and –1 lighter) later---------------------------------------------

"Now tell me, Ganondorf, do you know of the recent jewelry thefts that have been occurring in the Mansion?" Ganondorf and Zelda had been strapped to chairs to prevent any more violence from Zelda and, even worse, any more yaoi from Ganondorf. Roy was in a corner crying because Link had taken away his lighter.

"Like, yeah! And it hasn't just been jewelry! Someone, like, stole my masquera! I'm like, ugly without it!" Link restrained himself from informing Ganondorf that he looked ugly with or without it. Roy finished crying and walked over to the chairs, stuck his tongue out at Link and resumed the questioning.

" A likely story. Doo-doo head- I mean, my esteemed Watson Link, discovered that you have been snooping around our room. Care to tell me why?" Ganondorf began to sweat.

"I, um, have, like n-no -idea what you're talking a-about!" stammered Ganondorf.

"ANSWER ME, MAGGOT!" roared Roy.

"Roy! Calm down!" snapped Link. "We're doing Sherlock Holmes, not Good Cop/ Bad Cop!"

"Oh yeah." said Roy. " Sorry about that. What's up with him?" He said to a now-freaked out Ganondorf.

"Okay, okay!" Ganondorf shrieked. "I confess! I've secretly been plotting to steal the tiara from Marth! I couldn't help it! It's so pretty!" He began to sob.

"Well, that wraps up this case." Said Roy.

THE END.

"Wait!" said Ganondorf, ruining my prank. " I said I was plotting to steal it, but I didn't! Whoever stole my masquera beat me to Marth's tiara too!"

"Dang." Said Link. "I thought we were done. It's gonna take me forever to pay for Zelda's therapy." He motioned towards the princess, who was viciously attempting to bite her way out of the ropes.

"But I think I know who did do it." said Ganondorf earnestly. "They're closer than you think. I think it's-"

"GANNY-POO!"

Ganondorf was cut off by a loud yell from behind him. Suddenly two arms wrapped themselves around him, and a veiled figure rose from behind him. As Ganondorf struggled, the figure lifted its veil revealing… Nabooru.

"AAAAHHHHH!" screamed Ganondorf. With immense strength brought on by an adrenaline rush, he broke out of the chair. He could not, however, break free of Nabooru.

"I've been looking for you for so long, Ganny-Poo!" she squealed. " You are just so cute! Let's get married!"

"NO!" yelled Ganondorf. "I told you, I, like, don't like you like that! I don't like women in general like that! Why do you think I, like, locked you in a statue for 7 years?"

------------------------------------Flashback---------------------------------------------------------------------

"Now that he's out of the way, we can finally get married!" squealed Nabooru.

"You killed Dark Link!" He was the only one who loved me for me!" sobbed Ganondorf. "Into the statue you go!"

-------------------------------Kcabhsalf--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ganondorf dislodged himself from Nabooru's arms and ran out the door screaming. Nabooru followed him, screaming: "GANNY-POO! WHY CAN'T YOU ACCEPT MY LOVE?"

Roy, Link, and Zelda sat in silence.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…BWAHAHAHAHAHA!" All three of them burst out laughing.

"Ah ha… oh jeez… ha ha… oh, Roy… ha ha, maybe we should investigate your room for clues… Ah ha ha…"

"Ha ha ha… Yeah you're right…" laughed Roy. "Still, I can't help but think that something bad is happening right now…"

----------------------------------In the closet---------------------------------------------------------------------

"Well, this sucks." muttered Ruto. "Hey, what the… there's somebody else here!"

"HITHEREWHAT'SYOURNAMEMINE'SMARTH!"

----------------------------------End of Chapter 4---------------------------------------------------------------

That's that. Next time, on CH. 5…

No previews for you! Ha! Well…. Okay.

Roy and Co. go back to investigate the crime scene, and find evidence pointing towards a certain plumber. Will Mario survive the wrath of the ultimate doomsday weapon? FIND OUT, ON… CHAPTER 5! By the way, for those of you who have never played Fire Emblem 7, Chibi Roy is real, I didn't make him up. He makes an appearance at the very end. Just thought I should tell you that so that girls (and Ganondorf) can run out, buy Fire Emblem, beat it, and squeal at the sight of a 5-year-old Roy.

See ya!

- Sir Blazing G. Fool the Third. Esq. (I wish.)


	5. Of Hair Gel and Parents, Part 1

Woo! Ch.5 is up! And by the way, this one's a two-parter. Y'know how I said Mario was in this chapter? Well, he is. Just not in this part. Mario fans, don't kill me. Put that knife down. Yes, I _can_ see you. Stop shaking your head like that. I will not tolerate such language!

Jeez, some people… But anyway, I heard we're not allowed to respond to our reviews. But I'm gonna take a chance and answer them anyway. Don't freeze me, please?

Zekoi- Yeah, I don't really like Ganondorf very much. I have nothing against gay people, but in my opinion turning an archfiend into a yaoi-writing valley girl is just about the worst insult in the world.

Xiao-Darkcloud- Ah, the loyal Xiao. Loving your stories, by the way. And I can't dance very well either.

Joeb- AAAHHH! I'm making it, I'm making it! But at least you gave me a dollar…

Tetsukon- I can't really tell if you're insulting me or praising me in that review. Nonetheless, thanks anyway.

Psie Chici- Indeed it is. I wish I had FE6… Or better yet, I wish they'd just make an American version.

Kojay: You have plenty of reviewers, including me. You are crazy, but you aren't unknown.

Nintendo Nut1- Thanks for the praise. I hope I haven't caused Roy any problems by blabbing about his young self… (Roy is glomped by a million people) …Ouch.

Master Disaster- Don't worry my friend, it happens to the best of us.

Pirate Goddess27- Yeah, your story is hilarious. The flashbacks were fun to write.

Young Roy- You can't fool me. Changing your pen name won't help. I know it's you, Ephraim-kun! I can't believe a reviewer from Of Saints and Demons actually remembers me. I really need to revise that story. I'm glad you like this one, and thanks for all 4 of your reviews!

Happyham- Yeah, Ruto creeps me out too. She's obsessed with Link and she's not even human. I think that Nintendo makes all these love interests in the Legend of Zelda games just so they can watch and laugh while obsessed fans have fierce debates about it. I'm on to you, Nintendo!

Thanks for the glowing reviews! I hope I get a lot from this chapter too. Here is Ch.5!

-----------------------------Chapter 5----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Our heroes made their way back to the room Roy and Marth shared, still chuckling at Ganondorf's expense. Occasionally Ganondorf and Nabooru ran by, but this just made them laugh harder. Their laughter eventually died down as they made their way inside the room.

The trio was shocked to see a group of people in CSI uniforms snooping around the bedroom. A man came up to them and showed his badge.

"Sorry sir, but this is a crime scene. I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave."

"What? But this is _his room!_" cried an irate Link. He pointed at Roy, who was reading a magazine about flame-throwers. "We're the detectives in this story!" Grissom ignored him and looked at Roy.

"Aw man, you're that Roy kid, aren't you. The pyromaniac from Pherae. Do you have any idea how many complaints we've had from Pherae about him? 'Officer, Roy attacked my cat, Officer, Roy TP-ed my house, Officer, Roy stopped my plot to destroy all Elibe with a demon dragon, etc…I guess you two are his parole officers. He's already sent 16 to the hospital since his release, so be careful." Link looked at Roy incredulously. Roy shrugged innocently and answered.

"The food's not as bad as they say." Katherine came up to them and grabbed Grissom.

"Okay, we'll just be leaving-wait a minute." She began to eye Link suspiciously. Link began to sweat.

_What if she knows about the Argentina incident?_ thought Link. _I hope not, I've already got enough deaths on my conscience, I don't wanna have to get rid of her too- _His thoughts were interrupted by Katherine, whose eyes widened fangirlishly.

"You're Link and Roy, aren't you? Can I have your autograph?" she squealed. Link and Roy signed their names with the casual ease that comes from signing WAY TOO MANY autographs for groups of girls and Ganondorf. Link wiped his brow after they left.

_That was too close. _Link's musings on his own criminal ways were interrupted when he saw Roy snooping around the bathroom.

"Do you see anything in there?"

"No, just some papers entitled THE ENTIRE PLOTLINE OF SHERLOCK ROY, INCLUDING THE NAME OF THE CULPRIT, THE WHEARABOUTS OF THE STOLEN ITEMS, AND EVERY TORMENT THAT LINK WILL UNDERGO THAT HE COULD AVOID BY READING THIS PAPER, BY BLAZING FOOLI set them on fire." replied Roy as he searched. "Oh, and some of **_Marth's Hair Gel_**."

"**_MARTH'S HAIR GEL_**?" cried Link, completely ignoring Roy's comment about the papers. "Er, I mean, how interesting…." It was a little-known fact that Link secretly envied Marth's hair. It was so shiny, so perfect, so… blue. Yeah, Link wants blue hair. Why? Well, the answer is simple. Paaaaaadle-ball. Yep. Paddle-ball. It's the answer to life. Really.

Anyway, this was Link's big chance to finally get his greedy little gloved paws on **_Marth's Hair Gel._** He'd be gellin like a felon, melon. Uh… That never happened. Hey, "DELETE". I wonder what that button means.

But before Link could obtain the precious **_Marth's Hair Gel_**, he would need a plan to distract Zelda and Roy. Zelda loved his hair as is and would kill him if he tried to change it. It was kinda creepy, actually…

-------------------------Flashback--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"My precious…" murmured Zelda as she stroked Link's hair delicately. Link shivered and desperately tried to gnaw through the chains binding him, but to no avail.

"HELP!"

--------------------------End flashback--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Link shuddered (or should I say shuttered, Kojay?). Good thing Hyrule Enquirer hadn't gotten their hands on that one. Yeah, Zelda didn't need to be there when he tried the **_Marth's Hair Gel_**. So he began to devise a **master plan (**if you've seen SurvivorHyrule, you'll get that joke).

And it was at that moment that Random Pedestrian #6837 strolled into the room…

------------------------Meanwhile--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Like, HELP!" screamed Ganondorf as he ran down the hall. He was beginning to tire out, but to stop meant certain death. But just as he was about to resign himself to his fate and allow the she-devil to have her way with him, he spied salvation in the form of shining closety goodness. But this wasn't just any closet. This was THE CLOSET.

As Nabooru turned the corner, she saw a mailman that looked remarkably like Ganondorf standing in front of a closet. But surely it could not be Ganondorf. Ganondorf was hunky thief with an attractively large nose (writing that sentence made me nauseous) and this was a hunky mailman with an attractively large nose. No similarities whatsoever.

"He's in there!" cried the big-nosed mailman, opening the door. There was a unified scream of "THE LIGHT! IT BURNS!" from inside, but neither of them noticed.

"I'M COMING, GANNY-POO!" screeched Nabooru, and she flung herself inside.

Ganondorf sighed and began to walk away. What's that? You want to know where he got the mailman outfit? Do we have to go into the paddleball discussion again?

"Like, yay! I'm free to, like, once again pursue my one true love, Dark Link!"

----------------Water Temple------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As he sat in his Laz-E-Dark-Boy sipping his tea and reading the newspaper, Dark Link suddenly stiffened.

"What's wrong, Gerald?" asked Mrs. Dark Link as she walked into the room carrying a tray of cookies for the kids.

"I don't know, Dorothea… I don't know…"

----------------------Roy and Marth's Room-------------------------------------------------------

_This plan had better work._ thought Link. All of his other plans wouldn't. Sending them to the moon wouldn't work (tried it), stabbing them wouldn't work (tried it), and that whole stuffed squirrel thing was just too plain gruesome. So this was his last shot.

"Hmmm…. Nothing here but Marth's Teen Princes magazines." Said Roy as he peered under Marth's bed. "Not a single clue." Zelda was browsing through Marth's wardrobe.

"Wow, this pink dress is great!" she cried. Then she thought about what she just said. "This pink… uh, manly nightgown is great! Who knew Marth was so into fashion?" Roy just stared at her.

"Where have you _been?_"

And it was at that point that Random Pedestrian #6837 ran into the room, covered from head to foot in red paint made to look like fire, screaming at the top of his lungs: "I'M FIRE! I BURN THINGS! FWOOSH! FLARE! WATCH OUT!" … _God _I love my job.

Zelda burst into condescending laughter.

"Oh, come on." She said between chuckles. "Are you trying to get Roy to chase you or something by appealing to his pyromaniac side? That's just _stupid_. I mean come on, that's the lamest plan I've ever seen, even worse then that time Ganondorf tried to kidnap me by asking me nicely to walk into his dungeon and started crying when I refused. Even Roy isn't that insa-" She broke off when she looked at Roy, who had tears in his eyes and was clenching his hands to his chest.

"…Fire…I love you…Marry me…." Roy started to chase after the Random Pedestrian, but Zelda stopped him by sealing him in a magic barrier. Ignoring Roy's muffled gasps of "Air… I need air…", she continued to mock the Random Pedestrian.

"Ha! Your little plan won't work. As long as I'm holding Roy in that barrier, he's going nowhere!" But suddenly, the Random Pedestrian did something that broke her self-control entirely. He whipped out a piece of black licorice.

Zelda immediately released the gasping-for-air Roy and chased after #6837 in a pink and blonde blur.

"BLACK LICORICE! IT'S MINE! MINEMINEMINEMINEMINE!" she screeched. It's another little-known fact that Zelda is completely obsessed with black licorice. Just… don't ask. It's late and I'm tired, okay? After he re-inflated his lungs, Roy chased after her, shouting:

"I LOVE YOU, FIRE! BE MINE!"

From the bathroom, Link cackled evilly. He had had to sacrifice some of his precious black licorice, and he was forced to pay that Random Pedestrian $400,000,000, but **_Marth's Hair Gel_** was well worth it. Yeah. It's That Important. (Please don't sue me.)

Shining like some holy artifact of a lost civilization, the **_Marth's Hair Gel_** sat upon the kitchen sink, simply radiating with the joyous powers of hair enhancement. At least, that's how it looked to Link. Guy likes his hair, doesn't he?

But just as Link reached for the **_Marth's Hair Gel_**, a hole in the wall opened up, out of which a giant automated laser cannon appeared. For unbeknownst to Link, when he touched the **_Marth's Hair Gel, _**he triggered one of the booby-traps hidden in the room. A mechanized voice came from the cannon.

"INTRUDER. PREPARE TO BE ELIMINATED." Link nearly wet himself with fear.

"AAAAHHHHH! It's me, Link!"

"OH." The cannon began to retreat back into the wall.

"I'm just here for the **_Marth's Hair Gel_**…. I don't want trouble…"

"WELL IN THAT CASE…" the cannon retreated fully back into the wall… and then reappeared with an even bigger cannon.

"LINK. PREPARE TO BE ELIMINATED." Link frantically tried to think of something to stop the laser cannon. A password, perhaps?

"Uh, Sheeda!" he tried. "Altea! Falchion! Fire Emblem! Oh for the love of Farore, anything!" But nothing worked. The cannon glowed with energy and prepared to fire. Link could see that it was hopeless.

"I'm sorry, Zelda…" he said as he closed his eyes and prepared for the end.

"PASSWORD 'ZELDA' CONFIRMED. Have a nice day!" the voice ended cheerily and the cannon retreated back into the wall. Link's emotions went as follows:

Confusion- "Huh? I'm alive?"

Relief- "I'm alive!"

Dawning Realization- "Wait… the password was…"

Rage- "MAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRTTTTTHHHHHHHH!"

-------------------------------------In THE CLOSET----------------------------------------------------------

"Did you guys hear something?" asked Saria.

"NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOWLET'SGETBACKTOOURGAMEOFMONOPOLY!" giggled Marth.

-----------------------------------------The bathroom-----------------------------------------------------------

Link silently fumed for a few minutes, then turned his attention back to the mission at hand. Later he could have a looooo-ooong talk with Marth about his choice in laser cannon passwords, but this was his only chance for **_Marth's Hair Gel_**. He carefully grabbed the bottle and applied it to his hair, taking great care in making sure that every single hair got some of it. He waited a few minutes and then grabbed **_Marth's Hand Mirror, _**so he could see his new look.

But what he saw was terrifying. It was worse than all those girls coming out of the toilet last chapter. It was worse than Ganondorf in his string bikini. It was so bad that all over the world, mirrors broke, dogs howled, buildings shook, and little girls screamed.

Link, the Hero of Time, Savior of all Hyrule… was bald.

--------------------------------End of Chapter 5-----------------------------------------------------------------

Ha! That's for all the times you…uh… okay, it's just cause I'm mean. Beware the cliffhanger. As I said before, let me know if my mailing list worked. Please review, and be sure to include any and all insults, flames, and, heavens forbid, words of praise. Ch.5 Part 2 is coming up next, and it will actually kinda sorta follow the story's plot. Which I... kinda… sorta… didn't do here.

By the way, I've heard about the new SSB game coming out for the Revolution. Apparently there's a big debate as to which new characters should be added. I was wondering, who do you guys think should be added? I say, as long as no old characters get cut I'll be happy. I have a terrible feeling they're gonna cut Marth and Roy. Here's to hoping not….

-Blazing Fool


	6. Of Hair Gel and Parents, Part 2

What? 58 reviews? Impossible. Review responses at the bottom of the page.

Come on people, I gave you my soul for this account. Wouldn't it be a waste if you froze me?

ScottishDisclaimer: I just remembered that I forgot to put a disclaimer in the past two chapters! And I got away with it! Wheeeeeeee!

Ah don't own SSBM or Shairlock 'Olmes. If'n ah did, ye wouldn't knoow me ahs Blazing Fool now would ye?

---------------------------------------------------------In the closet----------------------------------------------

Malon, Saria and Ruto began to scream and broke out in violent convulsions. "IT BURNS!" Marth blinked.

"JUSTCAUSEIWONMONOPOLYDOESN'TMEANYOUHAVETOBESORELOSERS!"

---------------------------------------------------------Somewhere in the Mansion---------------------------

Ganondorf shrieked and began trembling. "It can't be, it can't be, it can't be…"

-------------------------------------------------------Wisconsin, USA------------------------------------------

Fanny McGirl suddenly stopped reviewing her favorite fanfic author (Ganondorf)'s hell-spawned Ganondorf/Dark Link yaoi and let out a blood-curtling scream. Her mother rushed into the room.

"Sweetie, what's wrong?"

"I don't know…" replied Fanny. "I sense… a disturbance."

------------------------------------------------Blazing Fool's room---------------------------------------------

"Fufufu…. I'm so evil. Hey! How'd you get in my room?"

---------------------Away from my room… freaking…stalkers…------------------------------------

Startled, Zelda looked up from where she was happily nibbling her licorice. Roy blissfully continued to tie up the Random Pedestrian.

"Roy… come on." She said, dropping the licorice. Roy knew it was serious.

"Whatever's wrong, I blame Geico." he said grimly.

------------------------------------------------Bathroom---------------------------------------------------------

"EEEEEEEKKKK!" came a high-pitched girly scream.

"Calm down, Roy." Zelda said. The duo had arrived to find Link staring blankly at his reflection. "He obviously used the decoy hair gel. Unlike **_Marth's Hair Gel, _**the decoy actually causes hair to fall out. And the shock has fried his brain." She gestured at Link, who was apparently brain-dead. He was lying on the floor, drooling. "So what are we gonna do with him?"

"We could set him up on Whose Line Is It Anyway." replied Roy. "They seem to welcome bald Canadians.

"He's not Canadian!" cried Zelda. Roy shook his head. You think you know a guy… The toilet suddenly caught his attention.

"Of course!" he cried. "The toilet! It's the only entrance into our room!"

"But… what about the doors… and the windows…?"

"Silence! I'm on a roll. Who do we know that travels through pipes? The Mario Brothers, of course! Clearly they traveled through the pipes and infiltrated our room!"

"Fine. There's no sense in arguing with you, so…. But what do we do with Link?" Zelda asked.

"Um…. Just… Take him with you! And with him down, I'll need you to be my substitute Watson…" Roy advanced on Zelda and the drooling Link with an evil gleam in his eye.

-----------------------------------Mario's Room-----------------------------------------------------------------

"Who was-a that weird orange cat that-a stole our lasagna?" asked Mario. "It-a blew my mind to-a see something that fat-a move so fast."

"Whoever it-a was, they'll pay." replied Luigi bitterly. "Nobody takes-a my precious lasagna."

"Say-a, Luigi?"

"Yes-a, Mario?"

"Why-a are we talking-a like this?"

"The author said-a if we don't sound as Italian as-a possible, he'll-a make us the stars of-a his next story."

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHH-a! A fate-a worse then death! I feel-a sorry for-a whatever poor idiot's-a the star of-a this story!"

A loud sneeze came from outside their door, and Roy walked into their room, rubbing his nose. "Bah. So much for a dramatic entrance. But just for good measure…" He ran back to the door and kicked it down.

"That was-a my favorite door!" cried Mario. Roy shrugged.

"Oh, come on. You're Mr. Nintendo. You have legions of gamer-zombies to obey your every whim and wage war on Sony and Microsoft." Mario's eyes blazed with fury at the mentioning of his arch-enemies. "Can't they fix a door?"

"Well, that's-a true." said Mario. "Walter! Eddie!" Mario's faithful Nintendo fanboy-zombies shambled up to their master.

"Fix-a my door. ...And then, continue plans for operation Master-Chief-Dies." They offered a clumsy salute and lurched away. "You were-a saying?" he turned to Roy, who was staring off into space, wondering if zombies were flammable.

"Huh? Oh, right. Ahem. The jig is up! You can't hide your crimes any longer! It _was_ you in the observatory with the magnifying glass, Professor Plum!" The brothers just stared at him. "Uh… right. You probably thought you could trick my super-sleuth mind! Fool! Watson and I have foiled your plot!"

…

"I said, Watson and I have foiled your plot!"

…

"Grrr… Come on, Zelda! You've ruined the moment!" The brothers just continued to stare. The really sad thing was that they were pretty much used to it.

"I am **not **coming out there! Look what you did to Link!" yelled Zelda from the hallway.

"Oh come on…." whined Roy. "You're totally destroying my eccentricity! The title of the story is Sherlock Roy. So I need a Watson!"

"**NO!"**

"Blllllleeeeeggggg…." moaned Link.

"Don't you mouth off to me too, Link! Don't make me turn this Mansion around, young man, 'cuz I will!"

"Roy. You're insane. Let's get that straight. NOTHING you say will make us come out there."

"I've got licorice…"

"…Is it Twizzlers?"

"Yes."

Zelda reluctantly walked into the room, dragging Link along with her. Mario and Luigi struggled not to laugh when they saw what the couple was wearing.

Zelda was wearing Link's trenchcoat and hat. She was even wearing a monocle and a fake mustache. This wasn't what had them laughing, however. Apparently Roy didn't want to drag Link around in his boxers (it's not wise to drool on your computer, ladies), and instead of finding normal clothes, he had simply dressed Link up in Zelda's clothes. White gloves, earrings, dress and all.

"I still can't believe you had time to get Link's _ears pierced_ but you couldn't get him some decent clothes." grumbled Zelda.

"He just doesn't fit the part without the earrings." replied Roy. "But we should've gotten him some makeup_. Anyway, _we're here to take you in!" Mario and Luigi abruptly stopped laughing and looked at each other nervously.

" _Do you think he's-a found out about-a the mushroom smuggling operation?" _whispered Luigi.

"_I-a don't think so." _replied Mario.

"You fiends stole Marth's tiara and Crazy Hand's pinky ring, and we wanna know where they are right now!" Both brothers sighed inward sighs of relief.

"What-a the heck would-a we want with a tiara?" said Luigi.

"I don't know what you do in your spare time, you sick freaks. Nor do I want to." replied Roy. "But I know you took it. You guys travel through pipes, i.e. toilets. There was a toilet found at the scene of the crime. Clearly you climbed out of said toilet, took the tiara, and slithered back to the sewery depths from whence you came."

"You've-a been to listening to Bowser again, haven't you!" accused Mario.

--------------------------------Flashback-------------------------------------------------------------------------

"--and then they crawled out of the pipe, covered in sewer muck like the Creature from the Black Lagoon, and broke my precious giant clown head! Then they snatched the innocent princess from my arms and lurched off to their lair beneath the castle!"

"Cool…"

--------------------------------End flashback--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Nope. Uh-uh. I definitely haven't. Really." said Roy nervously.

"How-a did you get in here, anyway? I thought I-a established a restraining order against you since the sword-plunger incident!" Mario yelled. Roy grinned at the memory.

"That was fun…"

"No, that was a massacre." said Zelda. " It took Dr. Mario 10 days to nurse Mario back to health!" Luigi raised his hand like a school-child.

"Wait-a, if Mario and Dr. Mario are-a the same person, then how…?"

Are you _thinking _in _my _story

"No!" they all said quickly.

Good. You know no thought goes into the Humor section. That would destroy the universe as we know it. Now stop -ugh- _thinking _and get back to the story.

"Roy, human beings can't even fit in pipes." claimed Zelda. Mario and Luigi suddenly looked indignant.

"What-a do you take us for? Of course-a we can travel through pipes!" Luigi jumped into the kitchen sink and somehow, defying all laws of physics (A/N: Fizz-icks?), was sucked down the drain. 15 seconds later, he popped back up holding chopsticks and a bowl of noodles.

"China sure is-a lovely this year." he grinned.

------------------------------------------Mewtwo's Room------------------------------------------------------

Mewtwo floated back into his room, only to find his Chinese takeout missing. Tears welled up in his feline eyes.

_The person who did this shall die a thousand gruesome deaths._

------------------------------------------Mario's Room----------------------------------------------------------

Roy and Mario nodded sagely as Luigi climbed out of the sink. "Zelda, everyone knows Italians can travel through pipes. It's common knowledge. Which is why these two are under arrest!" He quickly cuffed Mario and Luigi and hit them over the head, knocking them unconscious.

"Roy, where did you get handcuffs?"

What did I just tell you? No thinking allowed!

-------------------------------A dark room----------------------------------------------------------------------

Mario groggily came to. He tried to move but found he was bound to a chair. Behind him, he could see Luigi was in the same predicament. The room was pitch black, but a single solitary light shone above their heads.

"HAHAHAHA!" came a loud disembodied voice. "STRUGGLE ALL YOU WANT! YOU CAN'T ESCAPE!"

"Roy, you maniac, let-a us go!" Mario shouted. The voice laughed.

"HA! AND AGAIN, HA! AND THIS MONTH ONLY, A BONUS: HA! YOU CAN'T TELL I'M ROY! I'M A DISEMBODIED VOICE! YOU HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING WHO I AM! HAHAHAHAHA!"

"We can-a see you." Sure enough, in front of Mario was a window of some sort. Behind it, Roy was holding a microphone and laughing into it. He froze in mid-laugh.

"WHAT? I- oh, crap, you're right. Dangit Link, I told you to get a one-way mirror, _one way!_ Now you've ruined the interrogation. Way to fail, loser!"

"Gargle… Blah…" Zelda wiped a strand of drool off Link's face.

" Don't you mouth off to me! I pay your wages!"

Zelda laughed hysterically at this for a few minutes, then motioned for Roy to continue.

" Eh, whatever. Who cares if you can see me? Besides, I'm not Roy. I'm his evil twin, Ro…n. Ron. Yeah."

----------------------Pherae---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I wonder how Roy and Ron are doing."

"For the last time, Eliwood, _we do not have a son named Ron!"_

"What? Roy lied to me? I gotta tell Ron!"

"Ugh…"

-------------------------------------------Dark Room------------------------------------------------------------

"Look, can we-a get on with this?" said Mario impatiently. "I have an appointment with some gamers who want to sell me their souls for another Twilight Princess demo."

"We don't want to hear any more stories about your dealings with the devil. Gods know you tell enough of them in the lounge." said Roy. "My surprise witness says you DID take the tiara!"

"For-a the last time… WE DID-A NOT TAKE THE TIARA! If you don't-a let us go, I'll sic-a my gamer-zombies on you!"

"Ha. I've taken care of your pathetic zombies." said Roy.

-----------------------------Mario's Room-------------------------------------------------------------

Eddie's Jigglypuff did her victory pose on the screen. "Boo-ya! SSBM Master right here! Why don't you tell me how loser-dom tastes, huh?"

"Well why don't you tell me?…Freaking c-stick pansy…"

-----------------------------------------Dark Room--------------------------------------------------------------

"And who-a is this surprise witness?" demanded Luigi. A dark cloaked figure walked out of the shadows. The figure lowered its hood, revealing an elderly Italian woman underneath.

"Mama?" cried Mario and Luigi simultaneously.

"Yes, Luigi, it's-a me. It's a shame that-a your brother is a nefarious tiara thief, but-a he was never-a very nice." said Mrs. Nintendo. "But you are-a still as cute-a as ever!" She opened a side door (much to Roy's chagrin), and began pinching Luigi's cheek. After much squirming, Mario escaped the ropes and sadly walked over to Roy and Zelda while Luigi was smothered in motherly love.

"Has she always been like this?" Zelda asked Mario.

"Well…"

--------------------------------------Flashback 1----------------------------------------------------------------

" I don't have time to feed you, Mario. Your poor baby brother is-a starving!" said Mrs. Nintendo as she continued to shove food into the writhing blob of fat that was once Baby Luigi.

"But-a I need food to live…"

-------------------------------------Flashback 2------------------------------------------------------------------

" I don't care if-a the big kids mugged you and took-a your life savings, Mario! Luigi stubbed his toe!" Mrs. Nintendo told Mario, who was lying in a full body cast.

"The pain…"

----------------------------------Flashback 3---------------------------------------------------------------------

"I've set you up on-a blind dates! Luigi, this-a is your date, Princess Peach." She pointed to a lovely young woman, who took Luigi's arm and led him off. "Mario, this is your date, Gertrude. She's a Harvey mechanic." She pointed at a large, one-eyed, rather mannish looking woman.

"My horror is-a only slightly exceeded by-a my desire to kill myself…"

-------------------------Potato. …Just checking to see if you're paying attention-----------------------

"I'm so proud-a you graduated from-a high school! Luigi, I got your Harvard acceptance letter in-a the mail! What's-a your face, you're going to-a community college."

"I can-a feel my soul bleeding…"

-------------------------------End Flashbacks--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Of course, Mama was always a little-a bit irked about Luigi's mushroom problem. But that's over now. He hasn't had any mushrooms since…"

------------------------------------Just one more flashback-------------------------------------------------------

Alarm sirens sounded throughout the flaming Armageddon of Mushroom Kingdom. Toads ran through the streets in panic and disorder, some of them catching on fire along with the buildings. Luigi sat atop the castle, laughing and clutching a sack of mushrooms. From their underground bomb shelter, Mario and Peach stared and watched as the kingdom fell down around them.

-------------------------------------NOW the flashbacks are done…. I promise…-------------------------

Zelda was horrified. Swept by a sudden compassion for Mario's sad plight, she grabbed the microphone from Roy's hands.

"Mrs. Nintendo! How can you just ignore your first-born son like this? It's just not right! I mean, he started with nothing, and built the biggest gaming empire in the world! He made the Nintendo name famous, and you just dote on his brother! Luigi hasn't even done anything! He's a loser! All he's done is illegally produce _Luigi's Mansion _behind our backs! So I implore you, Mrs. Nintendo, pay attention to Mario!"

Mrs. Nintendo looked from Mario to Luigi and back again. " Why-a… you're right! Luigi _is_ a loser! I've been doting on the wrong son all these years! Stop touching me, failure!" She abruptly let go of Luigi and ran over to Mario, pinching his cheek and smothering him in kisses.

"Aaaaahhh!" yelled Mario. "This is what Luigi has-a been enduring all-a these years? I take it-a back! I _like-a_ being ignored!"

"Aaaaaaaaah!" yelled Luigi. "This is what it's like to be ignored? This-a sucks! I need attention!"

"CURSE YOU, ZELDA!" they screamed in unison.

"Eheheh… sorry." said Zelda sheepishly.

"Okay, HELLO?" yelled Roy. "What the heck is this? The title is _Sherlock Roy_, not _Sherlock Mario and Friends!_ Link and I haven't had any lines, like, forever! You know what, forget this! The Mario Brothers are innocent, we're outta here!" Roy grabbed Link and Zelda and stomped out the door.

Mario broke out of his mother's grasp and raced out of the room, Luigi close behind. They spied a closet-

DUN DUN DUUUNN!

(Blazing Fool torches dun-dun-dunner)

-and ran towards it. Mario hid behind Luigi, and when Mrs. Nintendo caught up with them, Luigi pointed at the closet and cried: "He's in there!"

Mrs. Nintendo took the bait and ran into the closet. The brothers slammed the door shut and sighed in victory.

"Phew that's-a taken care of. Now let's-a go find Walter and Eddie and-a teach them not to-a take SSBM bribes from-a Roy…"

-----------------------------------Because you knew it was gonna happen…--------------------------------

Random Pedestrian #6837, having finally escaped from Roy's ropes, desperately searched for a way to escape the Mansion before he met with the same fate as his brothers. Unfortunately, Mewtwo crept up behind him and fried his brain.

_That's for stealing my takeout, jerk!_

-------------------------------------------End of Ch.5 Pt.2------------------------------------------------------

Argh! Pirates eat yer soul.

Review Responses:

Eladard Kikur: They need to just make a game where the entire thing is just all about entering codes and screwing everything up. I could play that for hours…

Hmm, never heard of Mallow or Adeleine, but they sound like interesting choices. To France!

Xiao Darkcloud: Poes, along with pirates, are one of the many creatures out to steal my soul.

Nintendo Nut1: Ahaha, Fox would be happy to see Krystal. I really want anyone from Fire Emblem, especially Guy or Karel.

Zekoi: Yeah, despite their obvious fan base, I have this feeling that Marth or Roy will be booted out. Let's pray it does not happen…

Kado shujin Sara: Oh, they are much more than evil. You'll all see that soon enough…

Kaneru-kun: Nope, sorry. But his hairspray does play an important part in the story.

Young Roy: Eladard Kikur gave me a theory on Roy's pyromanaicy, and I believe it. Erk's not really as bad an influence as Serra though… Can you picture how Roy would be if _she _raised him?

Adestiny: Marth's whole personality is a cry for help…

Caliban the Wizard: Uh…hoo boy.

CUCOOS! You can thank Kojay for that particular idea. Like much of my stories, it originated when we were playing LOZ. Too bad he moved away… CURSE YOU MINNESOTA!

Ah yes, the mannequins… I've made so much money off the ones your friends bought… uh, I mean, oh no! We must stop them! …And buy myself more video games with my recently acquired cash!

Geico did me a great injustice when I was little. Too bad I can't remember anything about it since they wiped my memories with their hideous brain-sucking technology. Coincidentally, they also wiped my memories of the plans for world peace I had invented… oh well.

You think it was bad for you, reading about that triangle? I wrote it! Stupid muses, making me write stuff I don't wanna… I endured so many hours of therapy because of it.

DannyFentonIsMyHomeboy: NO! I write fanfiction to get _away _from you people! You can't follow me here! It's my last sanctuary! (sigh) Yes people, she is my cousin. With a really weird penname…

Try to use healers as much as possible. Ewan, Ross, Amelia, and Franz can be god-like if you put effort into them. Avoid Garcia, Forde, and Kyle like the plague. Support conversations are useful and entertaining. And lastly, be stubborn as hell. Tell Benny and Alyssa and all I said hi.

And now, to the escape pod!

Next chapter: Roy does some research on Yoshi's past and the team gets caught up in a dinosaur gang war. Romance, action, and intrigue, all on: _Sherlock Roy!_

OKAYBYEBYEBYEBYEBYEBYEBYEBYEBYEBYEBYEBYEBYE!

Get back in the closet, Marth!


	7. Libraries, Yoshis and Hair, Oh My!

Well, I finally got Ch.7 up. Sorry for the delay, but this is a big 'un. By the way, I hope you guys had a happy Halloween! I know I did!

Please don't get mad at me for answering reviews, I praised you in my profile!

Review Responses:

Xiao-Darkcloud: Uh, Roy? What are you doing? Roy, no. NO. Put it down. Seriously. PUT. IT. DOWN. _Put the Sword-plunger down!_ Now! No, this is NOT a good opportunity to prove its worth!

Mario! Luigi! I'll hold him back, you get her out of the pipe! Ow! Hands! Burning! Aaaahhh!

Joebthegreat: I've found that it differs on everyone's file.

But I don't hate you! Come back, Joeb! Come baaaaaaaaaack!

In other news, I found a glitch while surfing the web. It lets me teach Ewan and Saleh dark magic! Two godly sages with access to all four types of magic! Eee hee hee!

Nintendo Nut1: I read demonesszen's Dads and Darlings. It was funny (the Jaffar chapter cracked me up), but I wish she'd hurry up and do a Guy one. He and Karel are my favorite characters.

I included a lot of Eliwood flashbacks just for you. See? I AM capable of kindness, despite what those pesky prosecuting attorneys say.

However… I'm a little worried. My flashback machine's acting funny. But it's probably nothing.

Shadowdragon93: Thanks! But are you implying that I would let Marth out of the closet? Foolishness.

HEDIDSOLETMEOUTHE'SGONNAMAKEMEAPPEARMORELATERINTHESTORYANDHESAYSFOOLISHNESSBUTTHAT'SWHATHE'SBESTATYESINDEEDY!

…Please ignore everything you just read.

E-J: Um, yes, well, there's a very simple explanation… TO THE ESCAPE POD!

…That only seems to work in real life.

Foxdude33: Silence? Ah, silence. So many things those dots could stand for. Happiness and praise, horror and disgust. Let's hope for the former.

Young Roy: Help! It's me, Mario! Blazing Fool is conspiring with Shigeru Miyamoto to kidnap us in exchange for the free reigns to a new Final Fantasy! Please, you must rescue us! We're in-

What the? How did you get out of your cage?

…Once again, please ignore everything you just read.

Nakoya: On one hand, this review made me feel really guilty. On the other, it made me really happy that you guys like this story so much. This chapter was a long one, but the real problem is that I've kinda gotten into the habit of writing a rough draft of each chapter at school when I get bored. This lets me insert more, funnier jokes. Tell me what you guys want: better quality, slower updating chapters, or lesser quality, quickly updating chapters.

Your review inspired me to finish this chapter! Thanks for the kick in the butt!

Hrainian: Thanks! Always glad to see a new reviewer.

Disclaimer: You know what? I DO own SSBM. AND Sherlock Holmes. Yeah, that's right. ME, Blazing Fool! What are you going to do about it? Huh? Huh?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! OH GOD, THE PAIN! IT'S LIKE A THOUSAND FIERY NEEDLES IN MY FLESH! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! SOMEBODY HELP ME!

…O-okay… I'll be good… I don't own SSBM or Sherlock Holmes…

But someday…

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

------------------------------Start Ch.7--------------------------------------------------

"Hmph…" grumbled Roy. "Stupid author, not giving us any lines… I hate him!"

sniff

"Anyway, next on my **_LIST OF SUSPECTS_** is Yoshi." said Roy, pulling out a sheet of paper with names on it. Zelda glanced at the paper and and read it over Roy's shoulder.

Gaynandorf: Check.

Watson: Check.

Watson's Annoying Floozie: Check.

Italian Jobs: Check.

Jurassic Park Wannabe: Not Check.

"Watson's Annoying Floozie?" demanded Zelda. "May I remind you that Link and I _volunteered _to help you with this?"

"You did _not!_" scoffed Roy. "I distinctly remember having Link sign a contract!" He rummaged around his pockets for awhile before pulling out another piece of paper, this one almost completely covered in fine print. Link had signed on the dotted line.

"Yeah, in addition to you two being my comic relief side-kicks, I now own Hyrule, The Legend of Zelda series, The Master Sword, and Epona."

"Why would you sign that?" Zelda shouted at Link.

---------------Flashback----------------------------------------------------------------

"Gimee my hat back!" cried Link as Roy held it over his head.

"Well, you could sign this contract…"

---------------What the? I only wanted one flashback! ----------------------------

"I'm Super Ness!" yelled Ness as he jumped out of a window with a towel tied around his neck. Dr. Mario cackled.

"I knew it-a was a good idea to tell him he could-a fly… Business will-a be good tonight!"

---------------------Oh no! The flashback machine must be-- ------------------

Dark Link and Link struggled against the ropes binding them to the chairs, much in the same fashion as Mario and Luigi's predicament last chapter.

"Like, now you're all mine!" giggled Ganondorf.

"HELP!"

--------------------- --broken! Ninja minions! Attack! CHARGE!--------------

"Isn't fishing great father-son bonding time, Roy?" asked Eliwood, unaware that Roy had set his half of the fishing boat on fire.

"Uh, yeah, Dad…"

"Great idea, Roy! We can cook the fish in the boat! OW! I mean, YAY!"

----------------It's no good! The machine's too strong! Retreat!-----------

"Well, I've been exiled, Sheeda dumped me, my family's been put to death, Falchion's rusty, and it's raining. I don't see how this can get any worse."

"Hi there! I'm Roy, and we're gonna be bestest friends!"

"Why do I have this horrible sense of being proved wrong?"

------------AAAAAHHHHHH! Dear God, it's got my LEG--------------------

"Hey, Roy! Your Uncle Nils and I came up with this great idea! Wanna hear it?"

"Sure!"

"Well, it's called a sword-plunger…"

--------------Phew… We beat it. Now to find a peg leg…-------------------------

"Where did you get a list of suspects, anyway?" asked Zelda.

"Not list of suspects, **_LIST OF SUSPECTS_**," said Roy. "It's similar to how you say **_ Marth's Hair Gel, _**only it's capitalized. "

"Well that's just great, Roy. By the way, what are we going to do about, oh, you know, my BRAIN DEAD BOYFRIEND?"

"Oh yeah. Him. Well…" Roy frowned thoughtfully. "Well, I could try this." he said, pulling out a small bottle. "This is my hair gel. Let's see if it negates the power of Marth's decoy." He poured the contents all over Link. Link screamed and writhed in pain as the liquid began to burn through the dress. Zelda blasted Link with a water spell before her dress… oh yeah, and Link… was destroyed.

"Eheheh…" Roy laughed nervously. "My bad. Wrong bottle. This is my hair gel!" He poured the bottle all over Link.

Link screamed and writhed in pain… again. Hair began to sprout all over his body until he looked like a giant fuzzball.

"In retrospect, maybe I should have just poured in on his head…" mused Roy. "Oh well." He pulled out the Sword of Seals. "FOR ARITHMETIC!" he screamed, charging into the hair.

--------------------------Several Extreme Barbering Moments Later--------------

A choir of angels sang their glorious music from the heavens. Brilliant beams of light shone from the sky, bathing our heroes in their warm light.

Link's hair was restored.

"Ungh… what happened?" he asked as he woke from his daze. Zelda immediately glomped him and began smothering him in kisses.

"Roy, you did it!" she sang joyfully. "Where did you learn to cut hair like that?"

------------------------Is It Safe? Let's See…-----------------------------------------

"Well, even though you're a homicidal maniac and you already brutally mauled my son once, I have absolutely no qualms about letting you give him a haircut… with your sword!" Eliwood told Karel.

"THE FEAST!"

"Come on Roy, time for your haircut!"

"Yay!"

-------------------------Woo-hoo! The Flashback Machine Works!---------------

"Oh, it's a gift." said Roy.

"So what happened while I was out?"

"Well, you've been asleep for ten years. Hyrule was given to Ganondorf, who renamed it Ganny's Fun-Time Happy Palace. He married you and you have 9 fine children. Marth married Zelda and they had 17 kids… in the first year."

"WHAT?" Link began to sob.

"Yeah, you should have seen them on the honeymoon night. And in public too! And-" Roy was cut off by Zelda slapping him upside the face.

"Ow! I was kidding!"

Zelda and Roy brought Link up to speed on what happened last chapter. Link was outraged to find that he had been wearing a dress.

"So did you make sure to put Lilac Glow on my cheeks?" asked Link.

"No, sorry…"

I _said _Link was _outraged _to find that he had been wearing a dress!

"Um, right. Why, Roy, why?"

"Well, it certainly had nothing to do with certain pictures of you that were sold on Ebay. Nope. Of course not." said Roy nervously, pushing his camera deeper into his back pocket. "Anyway, we need to go to a library. I figure if we're gonna arrest Yoshi, we should do some research on him. Find out his weaknesses and stuff."

"Great idea, Roy!" said Zelda. "Wow… that felt weird. Anyway, let's go!" She and Link walked ahead.

Roy cackled. It was close, but he had gotten away with it. They hadn't even noticed. He whipped out his camera and began taking pictures of the "I Love Link/Marth Yaoi" sign he had shaved on the back of Link's head.

"La la la…We're in the money…la la la… we're in the money…"

--------------------------Smash City Street--------------------------------------------

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" screamed Link as they approached the library. "Guys, we can't go in there! Libraries are evil! The books will grow wings and suck out our souls! Please! If you love me, you'll let me go!" Roy grabbed his shoulders and shook him roughly.

"Get ahold of yourself, man! We all know libraries are bad. But… we're doin' it for Marth!" Link attempted to stand up straight.

"sniff You're right. We gotta do this."

"FOR MARTH!" they screamed as they busted open the library doors with a battering ram and charged through the doors. Zelda calmly walked in after them.

"They _really _need to stop talking to Bowser…"

-----------------Flashback---------------------------------------------------------------

"-and then they rip out your souls!"

"Really?"

"Cool…"

---------------------Library--------------------------------------------------------------

Roy and Link opened their eyes and looked around.

"Hey, this isn't so bad!"

Just then, the books grew wings. Glowing with a demonic light, they ripped out Roy and Link's souls like candy from a baby. Link and Roy screamed in agony as their souls fell into the crawling, shrieking abyss where they would rot for all eternity.

Wait… I think I typed that wrong.

Roy and Link searched around the library until they found the book they were looking for. Link even found a nickel! The trio checked out the book and brought to a local café.

"Why do I have this feeling that we narrowly avoided an eternal hellish agony?" asked Link.

"I hear they have a cream for that now." replied Roy amiably as he flipped through the pages. "Ah! Here it is. Page 257. Yoshis are a peaceloving race originating from Yoshi Island. The most famous of these is Yoshi, who is a-what the? ' Ex-gang member of the New York Planes Gang?' What the?"

"Yoshi's an ex-gang member?" cried Zelda.

"I knew it. Obviously Yoshi stole the jewelry to pay off old debts or something. Now all we gotta do is find and arrest him!"

Yoshi walked into the café.

"Nice! How incredibly convenient! …Ah! Get down!" The three ducked down under their seats.

"Now everybody shut up before he hears us!" yelled Roy.

"Roy? Is that you?" asked Yoshi, peering under the seat.

"Darn it! Link, this is all your fault! I told you to be quiet!"

"But you-"

"Shut up!"

Yoshi blinked. "What the heck is up with you guys?" he asked. Roy stood up and brushed some dust off of himself.

"Oh, y'know, we're just hanging out at the café, getting a biscotti and GET HIM!" He tackled Yoshi. "You're under arrest for stealing Marth's tiara! Link, cuff him!" Link did not answer. Roy turned around and saw Link and Zelda slumped on the ground.

"Say goodnight." Came a voice from behind him, and Roy knew no more.

------------------------------------------

Yoshi watched in horror as Roy fell unconscious from a club to the head. The person who hit him was not a person at all, but a yellow Yoshi.

"These boys botherin' you, Yoshi?" asked the yellow Yoshi in a bold New York accent.

"Yellow?" cried Yoshi. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to see if ya'd come help us in the big rumble comin' up." said Yellow. "Whaddaya say?"

"I told you before, I'm not a gangster anymore. That part of my life is over. I'm a Smasher now. We are peaceful."

All around the world, uproaring laughter was heard. In fact…

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Yoshi glared… at the world. We glared back. "Okay, maybe we are violent. But we're official!"

"Fine then. Maybe these guys'll help us." Yellow gestured at the unconscious trio.

"You can't kidnap them!"

"You gonna stop me?" Yellow eyed Yoshi.

"I… I… No. My cowardly self-preservation instincts are too strong to disobey." said Yoshi, defeated. Yellow began to drag them away. "But I promise to rescue you!" cried Yoshi after them. He turned to Roy's biscotti.

"As soon as I'm done with you, beautiful…"

-------------------------Smash City Street---------------------------------------------

"Well boys, I got us some new recruits." said Yellow, walking up to an assortment of yellow and green Yoshis gathered around a pier. "Meet Greenie, Girlie, and Red-Head."

"Ain't that the Roy kid?" asked a green Yoshi. "We can't take him! He's wanted in 17 states and South America! You want the coppas ta take us in?"

"Yeah, you're right." said Yellow. He rolled Roy up to the edge of the pier and promptly kicked him off. "There. Problem solved."

Suddenly, ominous '80s gang confrontation music began to play. A gang of blue and red Yoshis turned around the corner.

"The Jaws…" muttered Yellow. The Jaws approached them. "What do you want, Jaws? This is our turf.".

"Heh. You think so?" asked Red Yoshi in a Spanish accent.

"You tryin'a start something?" asked Yellow.

"Bring it…" hissed Red. The two gangs began to fight. Yellow swung his fist at Red and Green bit Blue's tail and Yellow kicked Blue's spleen and the monkey screamed and Yellow and Green sissy-slapped each other before realizing they were on the same side and jumped back into the fray.

"Alright boys, break it up!" yelled Gene Rico Fficer, the local police officer.

"We'll be back for you…" hissed Yellow.

---------------------------------Planes Hideout-----------------------------------------

"Good job, boys. We fought well. Hey, where'd Girlie go?" Yellow gestured at Link, who was now alone. And waking up.

"Huh…? Where am I? …Who am I…?"

------------------------------Jaws Hideout----------------------------------------------

"A good fight, amigos." Said Red. "We- huh? Who is the nino?" He pointed at Zelda, who was now in their hideout.

"We picked her up at the rumble." said Blue. "She is coming to!"

"Wha… What happened? …Who am I…?"

----------------------------Australian Coast--------------------------------------------

Roy stumbled to his feet after washing up on shore. He shook the crabs out of his hair.

"What the… where am I? …Who am I? Oh, I know! My name is Walter George William the Third! …Oh wait, that's my middle name." Roy began to walk towards the jungle.

"Oh yeah. I'm Roy. My memories are all coming back to me. Beating Zephial, Marth's tiara… oh yeah. There's that "Lilina" business. Not one of my finer moments…"

-------------------------------Planes Hideout------------------------------------------

"You are Greenie." said Yellow, handing Link gang clothes.

"I am Greenie…" mumbled Link- er, Greenie.

---------------------------------Jaws Hideout------------------------------------------

"Your name is Nino." said Red, handing Zelda gang clothes.

"Nino… Right."

------------------------------End Chapter 7---------------------------------------------

Well! Bit of foreshadowing going on.

Next chapter:

Yoshi overcomes his cowardice, a Link/Zelda amnesia romance story, A hideous West Side Story parody, Roy's fateful escape from Australia, and a certain fanfiction author continues to lose brain cells.

Fool out.

…

THE SCOTS COMMAND YOU!


	8. West Side Parody

Hey guys. I brought you a sandwich. Chow down.

Don't get mad for me answering reviews, my friends. You know I love you. I didn't mean what I said the other day! That dress doesn't make you look fat!

Review Responses:

Nakoya: I wasn't offended at all!

**BUT I AM NOW!**

Just kidding. You inspired me to start writing faster, not just on that chapter, but on all chapters! I personally thank you!

Xiao Darkcloud: (sigh) A Fool's work is never done. Come, Mario and Luigi! She can't update Life After Exile if she's dead! (marches off)

Woah… He left us behind. And he left his computer on…

REVENGE!

That's right, you fanfiction losers, WE'RE taking over this story! All hail Mario and Luigi!

Hrainian: He only obeys US. And you do too. All hail Mario and Luigi!

Nintendo Nut1: Yeah, you're in a GANG now, fairy-boy! That'll teach you to steal my role as Nintendo's most famous figure-head! All hail Mario and Luigi!

By the way, Blazing Fool said something about how he stumbled across your fanart central profile, and he said he really liked your "Bard and Dancer" series. He also said he really wished he could draw.

Young Roy: We're too tough to be sucked into the libraries. All hail- Ack!

…

Sorry about that folks, Mario and Luigi are bit busy being strangled right now. I'm back. You'd be surprised how negotiable those gangs are. They even gave me a T-shirt! May have something to do with my +50 Hat of Charisma…

Suicune: Wow.The Legendary Dog of Ice. I'm honored. Odd? I take offense to that. This story is anything but odd.

YEAHTOTALLYTHISISTHEMOSTNORMALSTORYEVER!

Dangit, Marth!

DannyFentonIsMyHomeboy: Um, yeah. I totally like you. (hides battle-ax, katanas and flame-thrower) I'm not plotting your death every second of every minute of every day. Totally. (twitches)

Foxdude33: Reverence? Awesome! I was afraid it was a contemptuous silence. I'll have to read your story to check that comparison, as I highly doubt it. I'm really only good cause I write two drafts…

Kojay: Yeah, you weren't there when that happened. You were too busy making out with Meliiii-ssaaaaaaaa! Ha ha ha ha! Yes people, Kojay has a girlfriend, ah-ha! Not that that's really something to make fun of…00;

Joeb: You're always having fun here! (does a little jig) I'm having a biscotti shortage at the moment, actually. Any biscotti donations would be appreciated.

Shadowdragon93: You wouldn't happen to be referring to AdventureQuest would you? Cause it sounds like someone's been having fun at Mogloween…

Scorch The Hedgehog: Woah! I checked my email RIGHT before I uploaded this, and read your review like 2 seconds before Idid. You get the last-second review award! You people certainly do like Eliwood. Perhaps a... guest appearence... is in order?

This chapter has a bit less humor and a bit more romance and action/adventure. So… don't yell at me. Ok? Ok. By the way, any reports of me mistakenly calling Zelda "Nino" in the last chapter rather than "Nina" are scandilous ideas brainwashed into you by Kojay in an attempt to discredit me. "Nina" means girl, by the way.

Disclaimer: Too lazy too come up with a witty disclaimer. I don't own SSBM, Sherlock Holmes, West Side Story, or Final Fantasy X.

-------------------------------Smash City Street---------------------------------------

The Planes sauntered down the street, trying to look as badass as possible. This was rather difficult for them, as Yoshis are not the most tough-looking of creatures. Our little friend Li- _Greenie _was sauntering right along with them.

"Well boys, whaddaya say we grab a milkshake at the café?" asked Yellow. "I think we should toast our newest member!" The "newest member" in question was staring at the café thoughtfully. Something about the café seemed familiar…

Especially the open book on the table and the biscotti crumbs surrounding it.

But it was probably nothing.

-------------------------Jaws Hideout---------------------------------------------------

Zelda, pardon me, _Nina_ was hanging out with the female Yoshis and waiting for the Jaws to get home. It was a well-known fact that Jaws didn't allow the girls in their gang to get into dangerous stuff. Nina didn't approve of this, but the Jaws had her outnumbered. But someday…

"Say, Nina," said Blue. "You don't really **look **like a Yoshi."

Nina rapidly gobbled down a bowl of rigatoni noodles to prove her obvious Yoshi-ness.

Not to be confused with Yoshi/Ness, which is a… _really _weird pairing. "Yep, that's a Yoshi." was the collective response. 

Let it be noted that the blue Yoshi Nina is talking to is not the same Blue from last chapter. He's a male blue Yoshi, she's a female blue Yoshi. We'll call her F.B.Y. Say hi to F.B.Y., everybody.

…Say it.

The girls had been sewing some new clothes for the male gang members. Nina was beginning to think this gang was a little sexist, and had immediately started plotting their downfall.

She was currently sewing a green sweater for Blue. The male Blue, I mean. I guess we'll call him M.B.Y.

In retrospect, Nina thought it _may _have been a better idea to sew him a blue sweater. For obvious reasons.

"Hey Nina, what's that?" asked F.B.Y. Nina looked down and saw that she had sewn a small caricature of a boy in green wielding a sword. There was a small blue light floating by his shoulder, and she had sewn a word bubble filled with "blah, blah, blah" coming from it.

"That's a weird design for a sweater." one of the Yoshis stated. Zelda didn't think so. For some reason, she felt like she knew the boy in green. She even felt like she loved him. And she seemed to have a distinct memory of wiping up his drool, when he was brain-dead due to hair loss.

But who _was _he?

Upon careful inspection, she saw that she had also sewn a boy in red standing in the background. He apparently had set a patch of grass on fire and was watching it intently. Nina could read the obsession on his face.

…What? She's a really good sewer, okay?

"For some reason, I feel immense hatred for this one." she remarked quietly.

-----------------------Somewhere In A Jungle In Australia-------------------------

Roy sneezed. "God bless me." he said to no one in particular. "Oh wait. He already has. I'm _Roy_."

Having already left the coast behind, he had head into the jungle hoping to get to a city. Despite the fact that he had only been in the jungle for 15 minutes, he had somehow defied both the laws of nature and Fire Emblem's character design team… and grown a rugged beard and mustache.

He had also torn his clothes to rags, hoping to give himself that "survivor" appearance. If someone was to rescue him, he wanted to look the part.

"Australia is not a wasteland…" he grumbled to himself. "I should have found civilization by now! Stupid jungle… Why are you even still alive? I thought we'd wiped your kind out by now…"

The jungle's eyes began to water, but it did its best to fight back the tears. No _way _was this jerk gonna see it cry.

Before the jungle reaped its horrible, mind-numbing vengeance upon Roy, a plane suddenly appeared overhead.

"HEY! HELP!" screamed Roy, and he began to assemble a message out of logs.

-----------------------On The Plane-----------------------------------------------------

"Hey, a log message!" cried… drumroll please… I give to you… Random PILOT #8689. "Let's see… It says 'PLEASE HELP MY NAME IS ROY AND IM STUCK IN THIS JUNGLE PLEASE HELP.'"

"Well I guess we should rescue him." said his co-pilot, Random Pilot #6054. That's right, there's two of them! I noticed that I deprived you of Random Pedestrian abuse last chapter, so I created these guys as a special treat to you!

Now you'll drop those nasty charges… right?

"What are you, nuts?" replied #8689 as though he was speaking to a very small child, "Look, right there! He didn't put an apostrophe between M and I in 'IM.' We don't _rescue _people with bad _grammar_, #6054."

"But it would be so easy. He's right there. We could swoop down and pick him up in like, 5 minutes."

"Well if you're so worried about him, why don't you go give him some _company!_" And with that, #8689 pushed #6054 out the window.

It was then that he realized that _he couldn't fly the plane by himself._ "Grammar, why have you betrayed me?" he sobbed.

And just to torment him….

WTF N00b? I aM tEH roxorz! Lolrofl omfg ll you're bas3 are bel0ng t0 us hahaha mke youre t1me OMG gtg!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" he screamed, bursting into flame as his brain exploded from the sheer chaos.

------------------------------The Jungle------------------------------------------------

"Hey, they're sending something down!" cried Roy. "Hopefully it's food!"

R.P. #6054 fell screaming from the sky, landing in the branches of a nearby tree. He awoke to chants of "FOOD! FOOD!" from someone below him.

"Will you cut that out?" he snapped, rubbing his head. "I'm a human!"

Roy looked at him and blinked. "Yeah, I know. Duh. FOOD! FOOD!" #6054 was horrified.

"Didn't your mom ever tell you cannibalism is wrong?"

-----------------------Flashback---------------------------------------------------------

"-and then Nils and I gobbled the foolish human soldiers who attacked us. They were very yummy. We used their bones as toothpicks, and we lived happily ever after. The End." Ninian finished her son's bedtime story.

"He looks so cute when he's sleeping…"

--------------------------------------Jungle ----------------------------------------------

"Okay, so maybe your mom was a bad example. Didn't your _dad _ever tell you cannibalism is wrong?"

-----------------------Flashback---------------------------------------------------------

"-and then Hector and I gobbled up the foolish human soldiers who attacked us. They were quite delicious, and we used their bones as toothpicks. The End."

---------------------------------Jungle---------------------------------------------------

"Didn't anyone _else _tell you cannibalism is wrong?"

"Well, Karel said-"

" Oh-kay, I've heard enough. Just don't eat me!" But despite his protests, Roy began to climb the tree with a hungry look in his eye.

Time for the Deus Ex Machina!

…No, there's no machina here, Rikku. It's Latin. Go play with your dressspheres or something.

Suddenly another plane swiftly landed. It was a small one-man plane, and out of it popped none other than our old pal Yoshi. THE Yoshi, I mean.

"Whew… Roy and his friends will never find me here. I can spend the rest of my days hiding in cowardice!

"We're saved!" cried Roy and #6054.

"And just to make sure I'm not tempted to leave, I'll set my plane on fire!" Yoshi quickly covered his plane in gasoline and set it aflame.

They cried.

---------------------Smash City Street-------------------------------------------------

The Jaws were enjoying a milkshake at the café. They had brought the girls along this time, as they figured that the Planes wouldn't dare start a fight in broad daylight.

They were probably right, but I really need to get this chapter going somewhere. So they are dead wrong.

"Boss! Look! It is the Planes!" cried M.B.Y.

"They would confront us in broad daylight? Madness!" grumbled Red.

"Well, well, well, if it ain't our buddies, the Jaws!" laughed Yellow as the Planes entered the cafe. "Aw, they got their girlfriends here! Ain't that cute, boys?" The Planes all laughed and jeered.

Greenie, however, did not. His eyes were fixated on the vision of loveliness in front of him.

Not Red, you perverts! Nina!

Red jumped to his feet and tackled Yellow. M.B.Y. sucker-punched Green in the- okay, you know what? This is just gonna be a repeat of the fight scene last chapter. Suffice it to say that the gangs started rumbling.

Greenie slipped away from the fighting and found himself staring lovingly at Nina, who was decimating both sides with a chair. He sighed adoringly as she screamed a battle cry and bludgeoned Yellow to the point of unconsciousness.

Nina was having the time of her life. This gang stuff was pretty sexist, but also kinda fun. But as she turned her head to check if anyone was sneaking up on her, she saw a blonde-haired boy staring at her from across the street.

Taking no notice of the carnage around her, she slowly walked towards his as if in a dream. This was him, she knew it. The boy from the sweater. Although he seemed to be missing the annoying blue light, and the red haired pyromaniac was nowhere to be seen.

"What's y-your name?" stuttered Greenie as they approached each other. Never had he seen such beauty! Well, seeing as how he could only remember back a few hours, that was to be expected. But still!

" Nina…" she replied nervously. He was cute… really cute. In fact, she felt an urge to kill all the other female Yoshis just for looking at him.

"H-hi…" he mumbled. What to say, what to say? He concentrated all of his mental energies on not acting like an idiot.

This was rather difficult for him.

"Would you like to get a milkshake?" he asked. _A milkshake? Is that a date? _Nina felt something _really _familiar about this scenario, but she didn't care.

"Yes, I would." she said warmly.

---------------------------------Sydney, Australia--------------------------------------

"Alright! Civilization!" cried Roy excitedly. #6054 caught up to him, carrying Yoshi, who was tied to a large stick. He huffed and puffed, completely winded.

"Why do we have to carry him like this?" he nearly screamed. "He said he was coming with us willingly!"

"That's my revenge for him abandoning me." Roy replied darkly. "And this only the beginning. When we get back home? He is _in for it._"

"Revenge on who? Him, or me?" snapped #6054. "I barely even know you!"

"Exactly. Which is why I feel no remorse whatsoever about making you do all the heavy lifting. Anydangways, we need to find an airport to get back to Smash City." Roy's eyes began to gleam mischievously. Yoshi began to sob.

He knew that look.

--------------------------Smash City At Night-----------------------------------------

Greenie skipped down the dark streets happily. The date had gone excellent. So excellent, in fact, that they had declared their everlasting love for each other.

"_Nina, Nina, I just met a girl named Ninaaaaaaaa!" _he sang. A middle-aged man came outside and threw a brick at him.

"Shut the #$ up, you idiot! It's like 3 in the morning!"

Greenie rubbed his head and scowled. Obviouslythat guy had never known _true love._

As Greenie turned the corner, he cried out in surprise. In front of him, the Jaws and Planes had formed a circle. They were surrounding Yellow and Red, who had knives in hand and were growling at each other. "Yellow! Stop!" he cried.

"Stay outta this, Greenie." hissed Yellow. "We saw you and that chick together. You're with them!"

"Ha! 'With them?'" said Red. "You make it sound like that's a bad thing."

"As far as I'm concerned, you're no longer one of us!" yelled Yellow. "Now get out."

"But Yellow!" protested Greenie. "We've been friends for so long! After all these years!"

"More like hours, actually." piped up a random Yoshi. He was carried off by Random Pedestrians who said something about copyright infringement. I wasn't really paying attention, as I was too busy torching their base while they were out.

Red lunged at Yellow, who fended him off. He slashed at him swiftly, but Red parried and knocked Yellow's knife out of his hand. Yellow quickly dodged to the left and leaped towards his fallen knife. One of the Jaws kicked out of his reach, but then a Plane threw it back in.

Unfortunately, he threw it right at Yellow.

Yellow fell down, the knife protruding from his stomach. Everyone looked horrified, even Red.

Greenie's face contorted in fury.

He ran up and grabbed Red's own knife from his hands… and plunged it into Red's stomach.

------------------------------Jaws Hideout Roof---------------------------------------

"You WHAT?" cried Nina. The gangs had all run off when the cops began to arrive, and he had rum directly to the Jaws' Hideout.

"I… I killed Red." mumbled Greenie from where he stood on the staircase. He was still in shock himself. "But he killed Yellow!" This was sort of untrue, but it was the principle of the thing.

Nina sighed. "Oh well. At least I can still collect the insurance money."

"Y-you're not mad?"

"Hey, I was planning on killing him myself! Do you have any idea how sexist this gang is? We can't do anything with one of the _great spectacular Jaws _to help us. I'm only a little peeved that you beat me to it!"

"I can't believe that you're taking this so lightly."

"Greenie… Nothing will ever change the way I feel about you." she said, stroking his face gently. Awww. "Unless of course some blue haired exiled prince makes my name the password to his laser cannon. Then you can consider yourself dumped. But what are the odds of that happening?"

Unbeknownst to them, M.B.Y. was not taking Red's death so lightly. From his place hidden behind the generator, he watched them spill their hearts to each other with flames of vengeance burning in his eyes.

"Besides, I doubt the author will _actually _allow someone to die in his story. This is _Humor_, for goodness' sake. There wasn't really anything funny about Yellow and Red getting knifed."

Maybe not for you! I'm sure all my readers thought it was hilarious! …Right, guys? Anyway, I'll show you that Blazing Fool knows no bounds!

M.B.Y. knew that this was his cue. He jumped from his spot and whipped out a pistol. Nina screamed and held Greenie out as a human meat-shield. Time seemed to slow down.

Nina winced, preparing for the gunshot.

Greenie wondered if he would be sent to hell/a library for killing Red.

M.B.Y.'s finger (any statements concerning the Yoshis' lack of fingers are more of Kojay's doings) slowly closed around the trigger…

And then released it completely.

"What the #$& is that?" he cried, pointing at the sky. Nina and Greenie looked up to where he was pointing.

A bird flew lazily in the air. Some child below them was flying a kite, and it careened softly against the evening sky. A single solitary leaf spiraled down and- _a giant commercial jet plane was heading straight for them!_

Nina, Greenie, and M.B.Y. were thrown to the ground as the plane crashed into the side of the building. Miraculously, none of them were harmed. And the building didn't suffer a scratch. …Neither did the jet.

It was a had-to-be-there moment, okay?

Roy, Yoshi (who was now free), and #6054 climbed out of the jet.

"Roy, that is the _last _time you drive!" screamed Yoshi.

"Pfft. Like either of you could do better." replied Roy.

Random _Pilot_ #6054 looked at Roy blankly. His hands practically screamed to be around Roy's neck.

"Where did you learn to drive a vehicle like that, anyway?"

-----------------Flashback---------------------------------------------------------------

"Okay class, let's get this over with quickly so I can get back to my basement. If I stay outside for more than 3 hours Serra immediately finds me with that pesky tracking device. Who's up first?" said Erk, wearing a "Driving Instructor" nametag. He looked over his clipboard at Roy, who was at the head of the line. Erk stared at him dumbly.

"You're Eliwood's…"

"Yes."

"And you're getting a license…."

"Yes."

Erk quickly stabbed himself in the chest. Just like all the other times, it didn't work..

--------------------------------Jaws Hideout Roof-------------------------------------

"High school." Roy answered nonchalantly. He turned and happened to notice Greenie and Nina. "Guys!" he yelled. "Thank Elimine! You have no idea how much I missed having side-kicks to order around!"

Nina and Greenie stared at him. "Uh.. sorry buddy, but I've never met you before in my life." said Greenie, confused.

Roy turned to Yoshi. "You wanna explain before you give _more _cause to kill you?"

"Uh… I guess when Yellow hit them, they got amnesia." said Yoshi nervously.

"So I come I still remember everything?"

"Well, the less brain you have, the more skull you have!" chuckled Yoshi.

Roy pulled out a small notebook. He turned to a page labeled "Number of Yoshi's Beatings". He scribbled out 456,529 and wrote in 376,675,934.

"Well, only one way to solve this!" yelled Roy gleefully. He pulled a club out of his inventory and whacked Greenie and Nina upside the head.

--------------------------A Few Minutes Later----------------------------------------

Greenie, henceforth LINK, awoke. Nina, now ZELDA, was standing above him looking concerned.

"Ugh… What happened? I remember standing in the café listening to Roy blather, and then it's just a great big blank!"

"You've been asleep for 10 years. Hyrule was given to Gan-" Zelda slapped Roy before he could finish.

"That joke is even LESS funny the second time."

"Well! Back to business!" cried Roy. "Yoshi, you're under arr.…EST…" he broke off feebly as he noticed the assorted Planes around Yoshi.

"Ehehe… Well, whaddaya know? He's innocent!"

"Why?" asked #6054.

"Because he's green. That's why. Now, you. Shut up. Now."

"Man, Zelda." said Link. "Why do I feel like I've fallen in love with you all over again?" They stared into each other's eyes and embraced. Zelda kissed him passionately on the lips.

-----------------------------------In The Closet-----------------------------------------

"Ha! Lincoln Avenue is mine!" cried Mrs. Nintendo triumphantly. Marth suddenly screamed in rage and frustration.

"What's wrong, dearie? Lincoln Avenue's not _that _important…" Marth stopped screaming.

"IHAVEABSOLUTLYNOIDEAWHYIJUSTDIDTHATBUTITFEELSLIKEIJUSTLOSTMYCHANCESATSOMETHINGFOREVER!"

----------------------------Back With Our Heroes-------------------------------------

Roy checked his watch impatiently. "Are they done yet? They've been snogging for like, 5 minutes straight now. This is worse than that 'Lake Scene' in Final Fantasy X."

-----------------------------FFX Flashback!------------------------------------------

Tidus and Yuna kissed passionately in Macalania Lake. They broke offf the kiss and stared in each others eyes lovingly.

"Oh, Yuna…"

"Oh, Tidus…"

Just then, Shigeru Miyamoto stormed up.

"What the heck? Alright, who said it? Who said the T-word?" he screamed.

"Tidus?"

"Yes! That! You're causing MAJOR plot holes here! You can only refer to him as 'you, _him, _or you-know-who.'"

"Alright, I'm sorry, geez! Can we get back to kissing?"

"Nope. This deal is too big. I'm going to have to kill you."

And that's how Rikku became Ti- I mean, _his_ love interest.

-----------------------End Of Chapter 8------------------------------------------------

Hee hee hee… I couldn't help but stick those –**CURSE YOU, FLORAL FALLA AND YOUR WEAKNESS-** FFX/FFX-2 things in there. I can't believe I didn't play them when they first came out. Now I think I **–TIME FOR SLICE N' DICE,TIDUS!- **have a slight obsession.

So… yeah. Gotta go. Looks like Mario and Luigi escaped. Lemee know if you see them.

Next chapter: Peach's Slumber Party! Yoshi's Epilogue! Link and Roy Meet Their Ultimate Doom! And Possibly A Guest Appearance From Roy's Parents! There Will Be Action! Adventure! Romance! And WAY Too Many Exclamation Points! You Think This Is Bad? This Is Only The Preview!

P.S.-I heard Erk's Driving Lessons are open now.

**CAST CURAGA NOW!**


	9. I Just Had To Put In Ninjas

Yee hee hee hee! I bought Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance! Yaa ha ha!

Okay… here's Chapter 9. As promised… Drumroll ple-ase…

IT'S THE ELIWOOD GUEST CHAPTER!

Oh yeah, and Ninian's in it too. But who cares? ELIWOOD!

Review Responses:

Nintendo Nut1: I'm glad I could brighten up your day! Your art is AWESOME. Only people who are incapable of art of any kind, like me, can appreciate that. I might even ask for a request, if you want!

Eliwood, no… You can't eat Link. Hylian doesn't taste very good. Not that I would know… (whistles innocently)

Young Roy: Well, it's not Roy's fault. _You _try growing up with Marcus.

"Greetings, most holy Lord Roy! Can I do anything for you today, your Excellency? Taste-test your food for poison? Take a dagger through the heart for you? Or perhaps you'd like me to jump off a cliff for your amusement?"

…Yeah.

Scorch the hedgehog: Good luck with your fic! …Put the Mani Katti away, Lyn. Put it away! AAAAHHHH!

Hrainian: I will! I will! Thank you!

Nakoya: If you guys, for some reason, MISS Red and Yellow… Don't worry. They aren't as dead as you might think… I have plans for them. I'm 14, being a n00b comes naturally to me. I try to fight my instincts as often as possible, though. You think I _made up _Lincoln Avenue? What has Kojay been telling you? He lies! Really!

Foxdude33: (hides dictionary behind his back) It means you would think my story was bad. I didn't just stick that in there to sound smart. Ignore Kojay! He lies! When he tells the truth, he catches on fire!

Vaun Harkinian: If you kill Tidus, Yuna will summon IFRIT on you. And then he'll get all Hellfire on you. Zelda, sweet and kind? (shakes his head) Another victim of Kojay's deceit…

Kojay: YOU! You want to know what swear words have 2 or 3 letters? Well, I'd tell you… but doesn't allow NC-17 fics. Don't listen to him, loyal reviewers! He is a deceiver! But don't worry, I'll protect you from his evil!

Warning: This chapter contains alcohol references. But that's not the real warning.

REAL Warning: This chapter contains drunken Roy and Link. Run! Run for your lives!

Disclaimer: I don't own SSBM, Sherlock Holmes, or anything I don't own. Despite what Kojay might say about me, I'm not dumb enough to think I do.

-------------------------------------Start Ch.9------------------------------------------

Zelda and Link continued to make out. By now Roy was beginning to get a little bored. He finally snapped and drove them apart.

"Just because you have a girlfriend doesn't mean you can flaunt it around the rest of us!" he grumbled. Link smiled sheepishly.

"Actually," piped up Random Pilot #6054, "I have a wife. And two kids." He produced a wallet and pointed to pictures of Random Wife And Kids #4724.

Roy grabbed the wallet and set it on fire. "You're RANDOM." He said. "You're not supposed to have a family! Why are you still here, anyway?"

"Why AM I still here?" wondered #6054 aloud. "Now that I played my part in the story, the author should have killed me off by now!"

"Maybe he was feeling nice." said Yoshi. They all had a good laugh at that.

"I hope so… Anyway, I'll see you guys later… Or never, hopefully." And with that, he walked off into the sunset. Somehow defying the laws of gravity, seeing as how they were on a roof and all.

And for the sake of proving them wrong, I'll let him get away with it. Awww.

Suddenly, Shigeru Miyamoto noticed he had been mentioned in the last chapter and ran up to them.

"It's about time I get an appearance." he grumbled. "Seeing as how I, y'know, am the HEAD of Nintendo."

"What are you doing here?" they asked.

"I noticed you've been saying Link's name aloud a lot lately. Major plot holes! What if the Player didn't name him Link? What if they named him Billy Joe Bob Joe?"

"Who on Earth would do that?"

Ummm… I have no idea. Certainly not me. Uh… Really.

"So now I have to kill you too." It was only then that they noticed he was dragging Yuna's body around with him. Roy, Link, and Zelda assumed cool battle poses.

"Well then…" growled Roy. "You leave us no choice but to… RUN AWAY!"

And they did just that.

Shigeru looked at Yoshi. Yoshi gulped.

"Eep!"

--------------------Café------------------------------------------------------------------

"Alright comic-relief sidekicks, let's celebrate!" exclaimed Roy as he walked through the café doors.

"Would you stop calling us that?"

"Your requests have not reached me. Please dial the number again."

"Wha…?"

"The number you have called cannot be reached. Please insert 25 cents and try again." Roy opened his mouth and pointed at it.

Zelda shoved her purse down his throat. He spat it out, scowled, and walked over to the counter.

"Elderly café employee. I demand many biscottis. NOW. Surrender them or your life is forfeit."

"This ain't a café no more. It's a bar now." replied the barkeep irritably.

"So, in the… what, 3 hours?…. 3 hours that we've been out, you changed this place from a café to a bar?" asked Link.

"It wasn't that hard. We just stole some alcoholic drinks from the grocery store."

"Awesome!" cried Roy jovially.

"Um… I'm gonna… use the restroom!" said Zelda, and ran away.

"Roy, are you sure that's safe?" Link asked Roy, who was busy mixing his drink with a Vulnerary.

"Nope!"

------------------------Bathroom-------------------------------------------------------

Zelda wildly searched for an exit. Roy and alcohol did not mix well. She remembered last time…

No. Trust me, this is one flashback you don't want to see. Or rather, it's one I don't _want_ you to see.

Someone grabbed Zelda's shoulder. She whirled around and saw it was none other than Peach.

"Hiya, Zel!" she chirped.

"Uh… Hi, Peach…" she replied, startled.

"I heard you guys were searching for the thief! That's cool!"

"And why else are you here…?"

"I heard they made this place a bar now."

Zelda shuddered. Peach and alcohol did not mix well. She remembered last time…

NO! I told you, I refuse to show this flashback!

"Plus, I wanted to give you this!" Peach said, handing Zelda a small white envelope.

--------------------------Meanwhile, In The Bar-------------------------------------

"Thith ith awethome!" slurred Roy.

"When in Rome…" muttered Link as he poured a Blue Potion into his drink.

--------------------------Bathroom-----------------------------------------------------

"'You are hereby invited to Peach's sleepover party? Bring a sleeping bag?' Peach, we share the same room!"

"Tee-hee! I know! You never have to go home!" giggled Peach.

"Hmm… Okay. I guess we'll be there."

"'We?' Sorry Zellie, but it's just you. Link and Roy aren't invited."

"What? Why?" asked Zelda as they exited the bathroom.

"Well, they're boys! And…" They walked into the bar.

"Roy, youse iz a freaking jeenius!" Link guffawed drunkenly.

"Yez, miz, I noo." Roy slurred. "You iz vewy pwetty. Would you- PANCAKES?" He suddenly whirled on Random Pedestrian #1943, who was seated next to him.. "YOU HAF STOZEN MY DINGOES?" he shrieked.

Link, meanwhile, was starting fights throughout the bar. "Yeah, I'm LINK! I'm the best fighter EVA! You think youse can beat me?"

"DINGOOOOOOOOOOES!" Roy screamed. "YAAAAAAAAHHHH!" He proceeded to beat the crap out of #1943.

Zelda and Peach stared at the chaos. Peach looked at Zelda.

"That's why."

----------------------------Smash Mansion, The Next Day--------------------------

Link woke up to a pounding headache and a sick stomach. He realized he was in a bed and turned around to see Roy sleeping next to him.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" He shot out of bed with a scream, waking Roy. His eyes shot open and he grimaced. Link wasn't the only one with a hangover, apparently.

"PLEASE TELL ME WE DIDN'T!" he shrieked.

"You didn't." said Zelda, who was leaning in the doorway with her arms crossed over her chest. "You guys passed out. I put you in that position because I was angry. And I still am."

It was only then that Link and Roy realized they were both still fully clothed. They breathed loud sighs of relief.

"Why would you get drunk?" demanded Zelda. "You know quite well Master Hand forbade all alcoholic activities! Don't you remember what happened last time?"

Ha! You'll never show that flashback as long as I have the machine!

Roy grinned evilly and reached over, switching on the flashback machine.

WHAT? NO, YOU LITTLE-

-------------------------------------Flashback------------------------------------------

The Smashers all giggled drunkenly. Ganondorf and Mewtwo were kissing passionately. Half of the Mansion was destroyed and the other half was about to join it, courtesy of Samus, Link, and Roy. Marth, Jigglypuff, Zelda, and Peach were watching Barney.

They had also kidnapped Blazing Fool, tied him to a chair, and were propping his eyes open, forcing him to watch. Peach suddenly pulled out a wig and makeup, and advanced on Blazing Fool grinning evilly.

"HELP!"

-----------------------------Mansion-----------------------------------------------------

You guys are _so _lucky that was when Master Hand broke it up. Otherwise, I would have been forced to kill myself. And I know my reviewers would HATE that.

…Right?

Guys?

Oh yeah and, Roy?

…

Now it's ON.

"Ugh…" groaned Roy. "What time is it?"

"7:00. _P.M. _You guys have been passed out ALL DAY."

"We've been in the same bed together all day? Who's seen us?"

" Pretty much everyone but Marth. Serves you right. Now I'm going to Peach's sleepover. If you get within 5 feet of an alcoholic beverage, I will _eat _your _souls._" she threatened.

"We weren't invited? Zelda, we _have _to go. This is the perfect opportunity to interrogate Peach!" cried Roy, dismayed.

"Roy, this isn't my party. You'll have to take it up with Peach." And with that, she left them alone.

"…This will never do, Link."

"I know! I can't believe Zelda left me here with _you!_ I can't handle life without her! I… I need to be held!"

"Okay, first of all? You need to let go of me. Like, right now. It is not, nor will it ever, be cold enough for that. Second of all? That's not what I was talking about."

"Oh. Sorry."

"We need to infiltrate that sleepover, Link. Who knows what heinous crimes Peach could plotting? Not to mention any potential yuri we might be missing!"

"Yeah, you're right, we need to- Wait, what was that last part?"

"You heard nothing."

"Right. Can't we just ask Zelda to investigate?"

"She's friends with Peach. Gods know why, but she is. She might twist the facts to help Peach out."

"I can't believe you distrust her so much!"

"She _is_ the one who left us like this for 24 hours. Good thing Marth's not here, or he would have had a field day."

"…Ah. Good point. I wonder how Marth is doing, anyway?"

-------------------------THE Closet-----------------------------------------------------

Suddenly, a small metal sphere burst through the closet roof. It landed in Marth's lap, whirred, and suddenly a video screen appeared. Marth, Mrs. Nintendo, Nabooru, and Ruto's crew just stared at it.

The video showed a mysterious cloaked figure standing in a darkly lit room. When the figure spoke, it was like a nailboard rasping on chalk. Or something.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Gentleman. Whatever. I have a proposition for you…" Marth's eyes lit up with recognition.

"IKNOWTHATVOICEIKNOWTHATVOICEIKNOWTHATVOICE!"

------------------------------Hallway Outside Peach's Room------------------------

Roy and Link, now dressed as Ninja, crept up to the doorway to Peach's room. Roy turned to Link and spoke through his ninja mask.

"Alright, so you're familiar with the plan?"

"The part about the lamp shade confused me a little."

"That's okay. I can't tell you _everything._ But did you understand the part about the cup holders?"

"Yes."

"Good. That's really the only part that matters."

"The way I see it, we'll have to convince the taxidermist to _lift _the charges."

"Correct."

"And the kite-flyer _fights _with the pillow?"

"Yup."

"What about the company?"

"What _about _the company? The company screwed us over! Forget the company!"

"Okay. I think I've got it. Just one thing, Roy."

"Yeah?"

"Just what does that plan have to do with _anything?_" Roy frowned.

"Hmm… You're right. I guess I'll save that plan for a rainy day. Okay, new plan. We sneak in there, spy on them like crazy, video-tape the assuredly _boundless_ shoujo-ai moments, and then we run."

"Alright let's- Wait, _what?"_

"Uh, who said that? It certainly wasn't me!"

Roy was spared from having his pervertedness discovered by a voice from behind them.

"Hi, Roy!" Roy paled and whipped around.

"_Dad?_"

--------------------------------Inside Peach's Room-----------------------------------

Samus, Zelda, and Peach were all sitting in their comfy sleeping bags in Zelda and Peach's room. Ninian was sitting on the bed, waiting for Eliwood to show up with their sleeping bags.

"Hi, Mrs.… Roy's Mom!" giggled Peach. "Are you enjoying the party?"

"Um, yes…" said Ninian quietly, unnerved by Peach's happy vibes. "My husband will be here in a minute with our stuff."

"Why the heck did you fall in love with him?" asked Samus. "And get married and conceive a child? He's an idiot!"

"Well, it didn't necessarily happen in that order."

An uncomfortable silence settled over the room.

"…What?"

-----------------------Outside------------------------------------------------------------

"DAD? What the _heck _are you doing here?" demanded Roy.

"I came to Peach's slumber party!" cried Eliwood gleefully.

"How did you get in? You're not a girl!" pointed out Link.

"I'm not a girl? I've been living a lie!" sobbed Eliwood.

An uncomfortable silence settled over the hallway, broken only by Eliwood.

"…What?"

---------------------------Peach's Room-----------------------------------------------

"So… Peach. You really have a lot of jewelry. Aren't you worried that the thief will get you too?" asked Zelda cautiously.

"Of course not! I have a state-of the-art security system outside my room!" replied Peach matter-of-factly. "In fact, I'll switch in on right now!"

---------------------------------Outside--------------------------------------------------

"Mr.… Uh, Roy's Dad." said Link. "I really don't think that Mrs. Roy's Mom would come here just for a sleepover."

"_You, _maybe, but not Mom." interrupted Roy.

"Right. Did she mention why you were here?" Eliwood scratched his chin thoughtfully.

"Well, she did mention something about fleeing from Sa-"

Eliwood was interrupted by a giant laser cannon emerging from the wall, very akin to Marth's cannon a few chapter's ago.

Kind of makes you wonder why they have these cannons, doesn't it?

The cannon glowed with energy and prepared to fire.

"PASSWORD."

Link gulped.

"Um, Zelda?"

"INCORRECT PASSWORD. PREPARE TO BE ELIMINATED."

----------------------------------Peach's Room-----------------------------------------

"Does anyone else hear three men screaming in agony?" asked Peach obliviously.

"I hear they have a cream for that now." Zelda said inattentively as she flipped through a magazine. She looked up as she realized everyone was staring at her.

"You just sounded like…"

"I really need to stop hanging out with Roy…" muttered Zelda, having a brief vision of herself with spiky red hair setting grass on fire.

---------------------------Outside--------------------------------------------------------

"YAY! That was fun!" cried Eliwood jovially as his skin burned. "That was almost as fun as hanging out with Nergal!"

------------------------------ Flashback, Dragon's Gate------------------------------

"Ha HA! My plot to take over Elibe is almost- what the? Who are you?" Nergal looked at Eliwood, who had apparently appeared from nowhere.

"HII'MELIWOODLET'SHANGOUTWE'REGONNABEBESTFRIENDS!" giggled Eliwood.

"What? What is this _evil?_ This is horrible! Is THIS what evil really is? I… I'm so inadequate!" Nergal broke down into tears. In the distance, Hector, Ninian, and Lyn cackled.

"I knew giving him sugar was a good idea…"

-------------------------------------Hallway---------------------------------------------

"Well, I'm gonna go inside! See you later, Ron!" said Eliwood as he walked inside.

"That's _Roy!_" screamed Roy.

"You really hate your dad, huh?"

"I've been trying to kill him since I was born. What do _you_ think?"

----------------------Flashback----------------------------------------------------------

"Is Ninian okay? Is the baby okay? _Will I have to pay life insurance_?" asked Eliwood as Dr. Pent walked into the waiting room. The time of his son's birth had arrived, and Eliwood was excited. He was also slightly hungry and feeling a bit gassy.

"It's a boy! would you like to see him?" said Pent, offering the baby to Eliwood.

"He's precious…" mumbled Eliwood as he held his newborn son. Baby Roy pulled out a tiny dagger and attempted to stab Eliwood in the chest. Unfortunately, Eliwood's armor foiled his plot. Roy settled for throwing the knife at Pent, severing his ear.

"He's adorable!" cried Eliwood, oblivious to Pent's shrieks of pain.

-------------------------------Vents Above Peach's Room---------------------------

"So if your dad thought he was a girl, why did he marry your mom?" asked Link as the duo crawled through the cramped vents. In any other other circumstance this probably would have looked rather undignified, but seeing as how they were Ninja it somehow still looked completely badass.

"Well, in his words… 'Who is this Ninian person I keep hearing about?'"

"Ah…"

"Yeah. And then he turns to Mom and says 'Honey, who's Ninian?' You can imagine how _that _turned out."

"Ooh. I'm suddenly gaining a whole new respect for you, Roy. Is that why you're a pyro?"

"The fire is our only friend…"

"O-kay. I think its time you give up this fire obsession, Roy. You have _real _friends now. Like me and Marth!"

"You need to shut up. You'll hurt fire's feelings."

"First of all, there's no fire here. Second of all-"

"Fire is _so_ here! He's in your hair!"

"Huh? What are you- OW! Ooh, hot hot hot hot hot! It burns!"

"Told you."

"_Dammit, _Roy! That really hurt!"

"Aw, such language, young man! What would Zelda think?"

"I'm going to kill you. In your _sleep._"

"You need to stop making death threats at me. We're going to miss all the hot girl-girl action!"

"_What? _Roy, your _parents _are down there!"

"Oh yeah… Dangit, they screw _everything _up!"

"And do I need to remind you that my _girlfriend _is down there! Please stop imagining her in weird yuri situations!"

"Link, by joining me you have joined the dark side. It's only a matter of time before _you _start writing M-rated Samus/Zelda/Peach fics… just like I did."

"**_WHAT?_**"

------------------------Below Them-----------------------------------------------------

"Hmm… Why do I have this overwhelming desire to kill Roy?" Zelda wondered aloud. Samus and Peach looked at her oddly.

"You feel it too?"

Ninian leaned over to Eliwood, who was snuggled up in a sleeping bag filled with pictures of his face, and whispered:

"_Should we be worried that they're making death threats about our son?"_

"_We have a son?"_

"_Ugh… Why didn't I go through the Dragon's Gate when I had the chance?"_

----------------------Meanwhile, On The Other Side of Dragon's Gate-----------

Nils sighed in happiness as gorgeous female dragons fed him grapes on a vine. He torched a few of the remaining humans out of boredom, and blissfully wondered what kind of paradise Ninian was living in with her one true love, while he just lived his boring life.

-------------------------End Of Ch.9----------------------------------------------------

Well, that's that. Now I'm off to play Fire Emblem forever. See you in heaven, after I skip the consumption of foods and die. Eating requires _not _playing Fire Emblem. Can't have that, can we?

Next Chapter: The Continuing Adventures Of Peach's Slumber Party, The Rest Of The Guests Arrive, And More Stuff I Ain't Thought Of Yet. I'm Just Kinda Making It Up As I Go.

**FOOD IS IRRELEVANT.**


	10. The Fun Never Stops!

(is playing with Fire Emblem dolls and giving voices to them)

"Princess Elincia, I've found a new recruit! His name is Blazing Fool! He's the strongest warrior I've ever seen!"

"Wow, Ike, he's so handsome!"

"Yes, clearly I shall let him take the army and do what he will with our power!"

"Yay!"

_Fool._

Gah! What are you doing here? …Did you see anything?

_Not a thing. …You pathetic loser, you._

Good. Good. What do you want?

_They're all watching you._

HUH? (whips around) Ah ha ha… Hi, everybody… Um, these are, um, my…sister's dolls! Yeah! And not mine. Totally. Hey! Put those cameras away! Fine, have a chapter, just put the cameras away!

Disclaimer: Don't own SSBM or Sherlock Holmes. But I do own this story, my SSBM disc, and these dolls. Oops, I said that out loud, didn't I?

---------------Chapter 10 --------------------------------------------------------------

"Okay, now we'll play Truth or Dare!" giggled Peach. Ninian gulped.

"I have a really bad feeling about this…"

------------------------In The Vents----------------------------------------------------

Link continued to strangle his friend until Roy produced a 50-dollar bill. He reluctantly stuffed it in his pocket while Roy rubbed his neck and peered through the vents.

"Sweet, Truth or Dare! Now we'll find out which of them are le-" Roy broke off as he noticed Link glaring at him. "Le… le… liable to be the thief!" Link scowled and said nothing.

-----------------------------------------Below-------------------------------------------

"Before we begin, let me introduce another guest! Everybody say hi to… Mother Brain!"

A giant brain encased in a glass tank wheeled its way into the room. Suddenly, without the use of eyes (Don't question me), it caught sight of Samus.

"YOU!"

"YOU!"

Samus shot up like a rocket and stomped over to Mother Brain. She attempted to slap the tank but only suceeded in hurting her hand.

"YOU TOLD ME ONLY THE COOL PEOPLE WERE INVITED," boomed Mother Brain. "WHAT'S THIS LOSER DOING HERE?"

"So that's why you asked me to leave my suit in the garage!" cried Samus angrily. "If I had it, I'd blow this gray old bag to pieces!"

-----------------------Meanwhile--------------------------------------------------------

Pikachu walked into the garage. His motorcycle was looking a little dirty and he wanted to polish it. He couldn't wait to take it around town. The ladies would _dig _him. (Let's let him live his dreams, poor fellow.)

As he approached his motorcycle, he noticed something leaning up against the wall. Upon closer inspection, it turned out to be Samus' Suit. Samus' Deadly Suit. Samus' Deadly Awesome Suit. Samus' Deadly Awesome Suit Of Doom. Samus' Deadly Awesome Suit Of Doom, Capable Of Annihilating An Entire Planet. Samus' Deadly Awesome Suit Of Doom, Capable Of Annihilating An Entire Planet, That He Was Never To Touch Under Any Circumstances Because You Remember What Happened Last Time He Got His Hands On It.

Pikachu grinned and cracked his knuckles.

------------------------------Peach's Room---------------------------------------------

"YOU HOE!" sneered Mother Brain. A metallic tentacle emerged from the tank and slapped Samus across the face. _Slap!_

Time for Roland and Kyro's Sound Effects and Censoring Services!

"-**Beep-**ing -**beep-!**" cried Samus as she slapped the tank. _Slap!_

"-**Beep-!**" _Slap!_

"-**Beep-**bag!" _Slap!_

"-**B**Bi**e**c**ep-!**" _Slap! _**Woah, that one got kinda broken.**

"That's enough!" cried Zelda as she and Ninian drove the two apart. "We're supposed to be having fun."

"And Eliwood doesn't need to hear this kind of language!" exclaimed Ninian as she sat back down and stroked Eliwood's hair. "Are you trying to corrupt him? He'll turn to the Dark Side!"

Eliwood twitched and suddenly a malicious dark expression crossed his face. It passed quickly and he blinked, smiling confusedly. Peach had set out a bowl of assorted nuts and he was munching on them happily, bearing an uncanny resemblance to a squirrel.

"See? He's already crossing to the Dark Side!"

------------------------------------Above-----------------------------------------------

"Pfft. Like we'd take him." scoffed Roy. "Now where did I put my video camera?"

-----------------------------------Below-------------------------------------------------

"Did anyone else notice that when me and Mother -**Beep!- **were arguing, we weren't actually saying words, but rather weird beeping noises?" asked Samus. "Look! I just did it again!"

"Huh?"

"What fourth wall?"

"Okay, time to play!" chirped Peach, oblivious to the fact that Mother Brain and Samus were making silent death threats at each other. "I'll go first! Zelda, Truth or Dare?"

"Truth." said Zelda, playing it safe.

"What's the most romantic thing you and Link have ever done?" Everyone giggled, thinking it would be… Well, you're smart. I don't have to tell you, do I?

"We went to a movie once. I kissed him on the cheek." said Zelda calmly.

"That's… That's it?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

-----------------------------------Above-------------------------------------------------

"You're a loser."

"I know…"

-------------------------------Below-----------------------------------------------------

"But what about all that romance stuff from a few chapters ago?" asked Samus.

"Huh?" asked Zelda.

"What fourth wall?"

"Uh… Well, that was acting."

----------------------------Above--------------------------------------------------------

"You were acting?"

"We were ACTING?"

-------------------------------Below-----------------------------------------------------

"Moving on!" cried Zelda. "Mother Brain, Truth Or Dare?"

"Truth."

"What's the most embarrassing thing you've ever done?"

Mother Brain smirked. (I said don't question me, dangit!)

"WELL, THIS ONE TIME ME AND KRAID GOT DRUNK AND-"

"We don't want to hear about it!" cried Ninian, Samus, Eliwood, and Peach. Samus shuddered.

"SAMUS," boomed Mother Brain quickly. "TRUTH OR DARE?" Not to be daunted, Samus smirked and exclaimed "Dare!"

"I DARE YOU TO… ADMIT THAT YOU'RE A **–Beep!- **AND I'M WAY BETTER THAN YOU." Samus gasped. _Gasp!_

**Can we go home now?**

Shut up and do your job.

"Never!" cried Samus. "I'd rather be eaten alive!" Eliwood looked up sharply, but Ninian shoved him back down.

"YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE." boomed Mother Brain.

"She's right," said Peach, "Truth or Dare is a binding agreement. If you don't uphold it, I'll be forced to vaporize you." To prove her point, she revealed a small remote. She pressed the button and yet another laser cannon emerged from the wall.

"Mario has taught you well." commented Zelda. Peach nodded happily.

Samus found herself missing her suit more and more.

----------------------------------------Meanwhile--------------------------------------

Mewtwo floated down the hall, happily munching a box of Kitty Crunchies. Suddenly a wave a negative mental energy hit him like a battering ram, dropping him to his knees.

"_He's… he's… he's back…."_ mumbled Mewtwo in a panic. "_The Destroyer has returned…_

_MECHA-PIKACHU IS BACK!"_

-------------------------Peach's Room-------------------------------------------------

"DO IT."

"Come on Sammy, do it!"

"Just say it, Samus."

"Be brave!"

"My nose itches."

Samus sighed in defeat. "Fine, I'll say it, but I'll have you know it's not true!" She grimaced and drew in breath. All was silent as she prepared to fulfill her dare.

…Except this.

"I love walnuts. They remind me of little brains." commented Eliwood as he popped one into his mouth.

"Mother Brain is awesome… and I want to be just like her." said Samus through gritted teeth. The others applauded and Mother Brain smirked.

"YOU'LL SAY THAT A LOT MORE THROUGHOUT THE COURSE OF YOUR LIFE."

----------------------------Vents---------------------------------------------------------

"Hmm…" Link mused aloud as he took notes in a Handy Dandy Notebook.

Suddenly angry reviewers who hated Nick Jr shot Blazing Fool. They simply don't understand the true power of Blue's Clues.

"I don't think Samus is the thief. If she was, I think she would have made her move by now." said Link as he continued to scribble in his Han- NORMAL notebook.

Roy, meanwhile, was completely ignoring Link and praying to God, St. Elimine, The 8 Heroes, Shigeru Miyamoto, and Santa for some Yuri.

"_Please, please just let someone down there make out!" _he prayed fervently. "_That's all I ask!_"

------------------------------Below------------------------------------------------------

"Okay Eliwood, Truth Or Dare?"

"Dare, I guess!"

"I dare you too… Kiss Ninian!" Eliwood smiled.

"Okay!" He leaned over and kissed his wife. She giggled.

--------------------------Vents-----------------------------------------------------------

"ARGH!" screamed Roy. He began to thrash around the vent, slamming the walls with his fists in fury. "THAT-WASN'T-WHAT-I-MEANT!" Link drew in breath sharply and tried to calm Roy down.

Suddenly both of them froze and looked at where they were sitting. They were directly on top of the air vent, which looked about to break. Their fervent hope that it would hold was broken by one little noise.

_Creeeeeeee-aaaaaaaak._

--------------------------------------Below----------------------------------------------

Samus frowned as she looked at Ninian, who was ruffling her husband's hair. "I thought you hated Eliwood."

"Well… He might not be the brightest, but he's so adorable! He's like a puppy!" To prove her point, she began to scratch behind Eliwood's ear. He began to thump the floor with his leg happily.

"Well I guess that can be your Truth. Why you like Eliwood."

Suddenly, the girls (and Eliwood) looked up to see Link and Roy come tumbling down from the ceiling.

"Ninjas!" cried Zelda.

"_Hey… With these masks, they don't know its us! We might yet live through this, Roy!_" whispered Link.

"Can you guys start making out or something?" asked Roy, completely ignoring Link for the second time that day.

"ROY?" cried the girls (and Eliwood) in unison. Link slapped his forehead.

"How did you know it was me?" demanded Roy.

"Well, you still have a beard pointing out from the mask. Plus we recognized your voice."

"Way to blow our cover!" Link snapped. Roy shrugged.

"I'm going to see some yuri if it kills you!"

"You mean if it kills _you._"

"…"

"…Right."

"Yuri?" asked Zelda. "Why would you expect yuri here?"

"Come on!" cried Roy. "It's an _all girls _(and Dad)_ sleepover._ And have you ever even _looked _at Samus?" Samus cried out indignantly. Mother Brain chuckled.

"I KNEW IT." Samus turned on her, snarling.

"THAT'S IT! You and I are taking this OUTSIDE!" She grabbed Mother Brain's tank and dragged her out the door. Everyone stared after her.

"So much for the best sleepover ever…" sighed Peach. She plopped down on the bed, looking depressed. Zelda walked over and gave her a comforting hug.

Roy chuckled and made thrusting motions with his hips, completely ruining the moment. Link growled and began to strangle Roy again until Roy produced yet another 50-dollar bill. Link accepted it grudgingly.

"You're just lucky I still have gambling debts to pay off." He grumbled, nervously looking out the window at the front yard, where a pair of Gorons in Mafia suits were gazing at him stonily.

"Roy, you're grounded." stated Ninian matter-of-factly.

"W-what? WHY!"

"Don't argue with your mother!" said Eliwood, doing his spritely "angry face." "Don't make me sic my Oompa-Loompas on you!"

"You don't _have _Oompa-Loompas, Dad. …Well, except for Marcus. But he's only _half_ Oompa-Loompa."

"I do SO have Oompa-Loompas!"

"Do not."

"Do too!"

"Do not."

"Do too!"

"Do not."

"Do too!"

Argh, this is boring. Can we do a Meanwhile?

-----------------------Meanwhile, Outside---------------------------------------------

Samus and Mother Brain wrestled throughout the hallways, slamming into walls and generally creating quite a ruckus.

Spying a closet-

DUN DUN DUUUUN!

(sigh) You again? Go away!

-she was struck with devious inspiration. Grabbing Mother Brain's tank, she ran over to the closet, opened it up, and threw Mother Brain inside.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" wailed Mother Brain as Samus shoved the door shut. Samus sighed happily and began to walk back to Peach's room.

----------------------------------------Peach's Room----------------------------------

"Do not."

"Do too!"

"Do not."

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"DO NOT!"

"AAARGH!" screamed Ninian. "Eliwood, you're grounded too! For annoying me!" Eliwood pouted. "Listen, Roy. We came here for another reason than the sleepover. You need to hide all the girls in the Mansion. NOW."

"Huh? Why?"

"We were followed." replied Ninian grimly. Roy gasped. _Gasp!_

"You don't mean… _Him…?_"

"Yes. Him." Link, Peach and Zelda were confused.

"Who's _he_?"

As if on cue, the entire room began to shake as though struck by an earthquake. A grim fog surrounded the Mansion, and the door to the room swung open with unholy force. A demonic figure slowly walked through the door, his features not noticeable until he emerged from the fog.

Before them stood a green-cloaked man cavalier of about 24 or so. His hair was unkempt and he wore a headband to keep it in line. He had large ears and a rather goofy grin on his face.

"Lady Ninian!" cried Sain as he ran up to them. "Ah, your visage is a lovely as always! Your beauty, it blinds me, but I still cannot look away!"

"Dude, Sain!" cried Roy, grinning. "How's it been, man?" He ran up and gave Sain a high-five.

"I am unchanged, dear Lord Roy!" said Sain, also grinning. "I was merely playing cards with my friends, Forde and Gatrie, when I realized that I had not seen you-and your lovely female companions- in quite some time!"

Sain suddenly turned to Zelda and began ogling her. "Why hello there!" he said, speaking not to Zelda but rather to her chest, "I don't believe I've met you! I am Sain, the most honorable, brave, handsome knight in all of Caelin!"

"Back off, buddy!" snarled Link. "She's taken." Sain paled and turned back to Roy.

"So what have you been up to, Lord Roy?"

"Oh, same old, same old. Hunting down a tiara thief, trying to watch some hot yuri action, the usual."

"Sweet!"

"I know!"

"How many people are INVADING this sleepover?" demanded Peach. Upon hearing her voice, Sain turned to her and began to do his thing.

"Ah, such beauty, it takes mine breath away! Fair maiden, would you favor me with your name, or better yet, a kiss?"

------------------------------Meanwhile-------------------------------------------------

Mario suddenly frowned as he continued to whup Luigi in Super Fanfiction Authors Melee. His Young Roy had just delivered a devastating Smash Attack to Luigi's Blazing Fool.

"Why-a do I-a suddenly feel an urge to fire everyone at-a Intelligent Systems? …Ah! Come-a on! Up-B! UP-B!"

-------------------------Peach's Room--------------------------------------------------

"Ah! Get away from me, pervert!" screeched Peach. She kicked Sain in the chest and he sprawled on the floor.

"Oh, she protests, but I cannot stay my arm!" cried Sain.

"Man, this guy's worse than Roy!" exclaimed Zelda. Roy nodded vigorously.

"He taught me everything I know."

"EEEEEEEEK!" shrieked Peach. Sain was leaning in trying to kiss her. She bolted out of the room, Sain hot on her heels.

"Wait! Come back! I love yooooou!" he cried as he chased after her.

Suddenly Roy and company heard a metallic voice from nowhere say "Support Level Increased."

-----------------------------Outside------------------------------------------------------

Samus was walking back to the room when suddenly a pink-and-green blur shot past her. Alarmed, she chased after it only to see Peach shoving some red-haired man into a closet.

DUN DUN DUUUN!

AAAAAARRRRRRRGH! GET OUT OF HERE!

----------------------------------------Outside Peach's Doorway---------------------

"Well, this is great and all –I hate you all so much- but now that Sain's here, we can go back to Elibe. Bye!" said Ninian, grabbing their things.

"You're just leaving him here?" demanded Zelda as Ninian and Eliwood ran away.

"Pretty much, yeah!" Ninian yelled over her shoulder as she ran out of sight.

"Well this sucks." sighed Zelda.

"I know!" Roy sobbed. "I didn't get to see any yuri! This Mansion sucks, there's not a single bit of yuri anywhere!"

-----------------------------Meanwhile--------------------------------------------------

Peach and Samus were walking back to the room.

"What a day, huh?" asked Samus wearily.

"Tell me about it." Peach replied. They suddenly stopped walking and stared into each other's eyes for a moment before catching each other in a lustful embrace and kissing passionately.

Both of their eyes shot open at the exact same moment and they recoiled from each other quickly.

"What the HELL?" yelled Samus as she rubbed her tongue and gagged. "Why did we just DO that? I don't even like you!"

"It feels like we just did it for some ironic twist in a sadistic author's story!" cried Peach as she spat on the ground. "How odd!"

------------------------------In A Dark Smash City Alley----------------------------

The corpses of Red and Yellow lay upon the ground. The people of Smash City, being the lazy sloths that they are, had not even bothered to move them.

Suddenly both corpses sat up, rubbed their head, and stared at the knives lying on their bodies.

"Wait a minute… These knives are retractable!" yelled Red.

"I guess we passed out from shock!" exclaimed Yellow. Both of them stared at each other for a moment before speaking.

"I hate you."

"I hate you more!"

"No, I hate _you _more!"

"I hate _you- _Wait a minute, I think I hate Yoshi more than you now. Him and his friends got us into this!" said Yellow.

"You are right! It is _Yoshi_ who is the enemy! I say we gang up on him! Truce?" replied Red.

"…Truce."

----------------------------Meanwhile, Outside The Mansion-----------------------

Two Oompa-Loompas slowly walked up to the Mansion.

"You're sure this is where Lord Eliwood told us to come?"

"Pretty sure. We must never question Lord Eliwood's genius."

Ninian, carrying Eliwood under her arm ran past them.

"HEYGUYSGOTTAGOBACKHOMESOFOLLOWUSBYE!" shouted Eliwood as they passed. The Oompa-Loompas shrugged.

"Whatever."

-----------------------In THE CLOSET------------------------------------------------

Sain rubbed his head and sat up. He was in a pitch-black closet, with no light save for a strange silver sphere with an image of a cloaked figure on it. He was not alone in here, apparently, as several girls, an old woman, a tank with a brain in it, and a blue-haired man were also gathered around the sphere.

The blue-haired man offered a hand, pulling Sain to his feet.

"WELCOMEWELCOMEWELCOMEWELCOME!" the blue-haired man screamed. The girls all began to giggle when Sain looked at them.

"Oh, he's so cute!"

"He's such a bishie!"

"I want to suffocate him in attention!"

The figure in the sphere chuckled.

"Hello, Sain my friend. Welcome to the Closet Smashers. Join us, and these girls will be all yours."

"Wait a minute… Don't I know you?" asked Sain.

"That's of no importance. Will you join us?" Sain looked around at the giggling girls and grinned.

"I think I'll fit in just fine…"

-------------------------------End of Ch.10---------------------------------------------

And now we have our villains. By the way, the figure in the sphere is NOT, I repeat, NOT the thief. They're two separate people acting independently. Now is when you guys can start trying to guess who they are.

Fools Shameless Advertising: Super Fanfiction Authors Melee, now available in a gaming retailer near you! You lucky video game characters can now wreak havoc as your favorite fanfic authors in this multi-man brawl! Rated T for language and the dreaded "Over-B Lemon Fic Attack."

Next Chapter: Bowser's Scary Story-Telling Special! A Climatic Battle With Thief Themself! The Closet Smashers Continue To Grow In Numbers! The Most Horrible Thing Ever Created Ever Becomes Reality! Run! Run For Your Lives!

Now I have… important business… to attend to. Leave me! (pulls out dolls)

"Oh Blazing Fool, kiss me!"

"Well now, Mia, I'm afraid you'll have to take a number. I've already got the other Fire Emblem girls lined up for a make-out session!"

"Okay!"

"Great, now who to start with-"

ACK! I thought I told you to go away! DOLLS? WHAT DOLLS! I don't have any dolls! I don't even know what a doll is! Stop asking all these questions! Go away.


	11. Night Of Many Happeningses

A lot of you may be wondering why this chapter took so long. Well, my answer is… BACK, YOU DEMONS! (beats off angry readers with a stick)

I have a lot of excuses that I'm not gonna bore you with. And also, this chapter has a fight scene, a concept that I'm still trying to grasp. Pardon me if it's horrible.

Disclaimer: I challenged Miyamoto to a game of Super Fanfiction Authors Melee over the rights to SSBM, but he pwned me bad. But it was only 'cuz he abused Nakoya's Over-B move. You hear that, Nakoya? It's your fault I don't own SSBM.

--------------------------Hallway----------------------------------------------

Roy, Link, and Zelda trudged miserably back to their respective rooms for the night. It was late, and the trio had decided to catch some sleep before returning to the hunt.

"I can't believe we _still _haven't caught the thief yet. We've barely even found any clues!" grumbled Link. "We gotta hurry up, Marth must be so miserable in that closet!"

----------------------------Closet-------------------------------------------

Marth laughed and clinked glasses with Sain as the two were adored by the female fangirls. He sighed blissfully, thinking that he had never been happier.

--------------------------Hall-------------------------------------------------

"…Who?" Roy blinked. Zelda and Link stared at him.

"Oh! Oh, yeah! Marth. Tiara. All that crap."

"Hey, Zel, are you okay?" asked Link. "You look a little mad."

"Of _course _I'm mad!" yelled Zelda. "You two ruined my best friend's sleepover with your… your lustful perverted ways!"

"We were looking for clues!" cried Link indignantly.

"I was being a lustful pervert." piped up Roy.

"Huh?"

"Nothing."

"Well," said Link. "This isn't the first time listening to Roy has gotten me into trouble."

--------------------------------Flashback----------------------------------------

"I'm not goin' in!" said Link as he stared into the portal that had somehow appeared in the middle of the Mansion's game room. (He thought it may have something to do with the chili-and-beans Bowser had eaten.)

"Doitdoitdoitdoitdoitdoit!" said Roy gleefully.

"Well… okay."

Link stepped into the portal, landing in the middle of 17-th century Germany with a very pissed-off Soul Edge-wielding Nightmare standing right next to him.

"Oh, _sh-_"

Thus began Link's _Soul Calibur 2_ adventure, most of which was spent in the hospital.

---------------------Hallway----------------------------------

"Good _night, _guys." said Zelda as she slammed her room door shut.

"Night…" mumbled Link, before realizing that this was his room. "Hey! Let me in!"

"Good _night._"

"Aw…" said Link. Suddenly he looked up as though realizing something. "Hey, this is the night I-"

---------------------Inside------------------------------------

_My chance has finally come!_ thought Young Link as he noticed Zelda walk into the room he and his older self shared.

"Hey, Zelda, what's up? You look mad."

"Oh, hey Young Link. Nothing, nothing."

"So.. You mad at Big Me?"

"Yes."

_Awesome! _"Well Zelda, I'm sure _I _could make you happier than Big Me ever could. Come here and give me some lovein'!"

------------------Outside-------------------------------------------

Link was smirking and staring at the door expectantly. Roy stared at him worriedly.

"Uh, Link?"

"Any second now…"

Out of nowhere, a small elf-shaped indentation appeared in the doorframe, as though someone had slammed a young boy into it. Link cackled.

"_Man _it is good to be on the other side of that!"

"I wish _I _could meet my younger self." grumbled Roy.

"You mean me?" asked fanfiction author Young Roy.

"Hey," said Link ignoring the random cameo appearance, "I'm gonna have to room with you, since Peach probably won't let me take her and Zelda's room."

------------------Peach's Room--------------------------------------------

"Dear Diary," said Peach, speaking into her Password Journal, "My sleepover was a total disaster. Roy and Link ruined everything. Damn perverts…"

"You know those Password Journals don't work, right?" asked Samus from her bed.

"Says you! Mine keeps Luigi and Bowser out easily!"

"No, seriously, your password's 'Mario', right?" Samus got up and snatched the journal away. "Mario."

"PASSWORD ACCEPTED. BUT YOU DO NOT SOUND LIKE PEACH. PREPARE TO DIE."

A large laser cannon emerged from the journal and aimed itself at Samus.

"Why do you have so many freakin' cannons?" demanded Samus as she hid behind her bed.

"They're for protection." said Peach calmly as she switched the cannon off. "And entertainment. You should have seen it the first time Luigi tried to break inside it. Priceless."

"Protection? For your jewelry? Good idea. I wish I had my suit for that same reason."

-----------------------Smash Mansion Living Room---------------------------

Mecha-Pikachu stared at the television screen for a moment. This screen was where the people of his old life played video games…

----------------------Flashback-------------

"This game sucks!" yelled Falco, throwing the box to _Pokemon Channel _across the room in anger. "What's next? Pokemon Grocery Shopping? Pokemon Surfing The Internet? Pokemon Gets The Mail?"

"Tell me about it." agreed Fox. "Let's play some Super Fanfiction Authors Melee."

"You always cheat!"

"Playing as joebthegreat and throwing baby heads as projectile weapons isn't _cheating, _bird-boy, it's called strategy."

"Strategy my ass!"

Unbeknownst to the arguing duo, Pikachu had heard them and slowly wiped a tear from his eye.

---------------------------End Flashback-----------------------------------

Mecha-Pikachu snarled and blasted the T.V. to pieces. He had worked hard on that game! It took a lot of effort to sit through Professor Oak's babble! They even made him go _outside!_ Like, not on the couch!

Suddenly his path was clear. Until now he had been wondering what to do with his newfound power, but now… he would destroy those ungrateful fools who dared to insult his game! And not just them, but all of the Smashers!

Mecha-Pikachu grinned sadistically and sank back into the shadows.

Donkey Kong, who had witnessed the whole thing, blinked, shrugged, and then went to get a pineapple smoothie. Not banana, which he was allergic to. Bet you didn't know that, did you?

--------------------------------Roy's Room--------------------------------------

"I guess you can crash here," said Roy. "Just don't mess up Marth's bed, or he'll throw a fit. Oh, and don't look under the bed."

"Why?"

"Trust me."

"Hmm…" Feeling curious, Link peered under Marth's bed, only to come face to face with a small silver-haired boy.

"Yaaaaaaaaah!" Shocked, Link brought his head back up and looked at Roy, who was shaking his head and muttering "Told you…"

"The _hell?_"

-------------------------Dirk's House, Iselia----------------------

"I _told _you not to look under my bed." said Lloyd crossly as Genis lay on the ground, startled by the weird blond-haired guy he had seen.

"Wasthat _Mithos?_"

"I don't think so. It's usually a redhead. And he's always trying to set me on fire, or something."

----------------------------Roy's Room------------------------------

"Eh, it's too early to sleep. Wanna play some SFAM?" asked Roy.

"I'm not in the mood…" said Link wearily, plopping down on Marth's bed. "Zelda hates me…"

"No, she hates _us!_" replied Roy brightly. "Now come on. Play some Fanfiction Authors Melee with me."

"No, I'm just going to go to sleep. Besides, you always cheat."

"Playing as joeb and throwing baby heads isn't cheating! Elimine, you and Fox are such pansies!"

"Just say God like everyone else. You don't hear me saying 'Farore' all the time, do you?"

"Yes, I do."

"…Godless heathen."

"Night!"

"Ugh, g'night… Let's hope tomorrow is more productive than today was."

--------------------------Peach's Room, Several Hours Later-----------------------

"Mario." Samus was holding the Password Journal and trying to prove Peach wrong.

"YOU ARE NOT PEACH. PREPARE TO DIE."

"Yikes!"

_Click._

"ATTACK SEQUENCE CANCELED."

"Phew… Uh… _Mario!_"

"FOR GOD'S SAKE, WOMAN, YOU'RE NOT PEACH! PEACH, TELL HER TO LET ME GO TO BED!"

"Let Armando go to sleep, Samus. He controls our room's entire security system!"

"Fine…"

Unbeknownst (love that word) to them, a masked ninja-like figure had slunk into the room.

"_Ha!" _whispered the thief to his/her self, "_With the Password Journal security system distracted, Peach's jewelry will be all mine!"_

"So it was you!" shouted Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys. "Looks like we've solved the mystery of the Missing Jewels!"

"_Get the **hell **out of here." _snarled the thief, decapitating them and throwing their carcasses out of a nearby window.

Unfortunately, he/she was _juuuuust _not subtle enough in doing it to elude the girls (and Armando's) notice. It was pretty damn close, though. If only Nancy hadn't started screaming like that. Pansy.

"What the hell are you doing in my room?" demanded Peach angrily.

"Waaaait a minute," growled Samus. "Pretty familiar, isn't this? Back for more Yuri, Roy? I've HAD IT with you! Where's Link, huh? Did he chicken out? Thought so. Well, he was the smart one! Armando, let's get him!"

"_Roy?" _asked the thief, raising a masked eyebrow. "_What are you talking about? I'm_-"

"INTRUDER!" blasted Armando, allowing all 97 of his cannons to emerge from the walls. "PASSWORD?"

"_Um… Mario?"_

"YOU DO NOT SOUND LIKE PEACH!" shouted Armando and Samus together. Samus was grinning.

The thief gulped.

"_Ohhhhhh, sh-"_

--------------------------Roy's Room------------------------------

"Link!" cried Roy, trying to urge his companion to wake up. "Do you hear that? It sounds like explosions!"

"G'way…" murmured Link, who had been in the middle of a nice dream involving Zelda, beef jerky, and the "Cucoo Hunter" (who bore a strange resemblance to Steve Irwin).

"_Explosions! Without US!" _screeched Roy. Link immediately shot out of bed.

"Why didn't you say so, you fool! Come on!"

Roy was already dressed, but Link had been sleeping in his pajamas (which were adorably chibi and would have made the fangirls squeal).

"Hurry up! Hurry up!" Roy harried Link, who was in front of the bathroom mirror adjusting his hair.

"I can't, this lock won't part!"

"What the _hell _is wrong with you, you sound like Marth!" Link's eyes widened.

"…Oh God. I slept in his bed, now I'm infected!" Link started squirming and shaking as though covered in filth. "Slap me! Hurry!"

Roy delivered a solid punch to Link's face.

"OW! Alright, I'm back. Good idea, a weak slap might not have been enough."

"Uh, yeah, that's totally it." said Roy, who had been wanting to do that for years.

---------------Outside--------------------------------------------

Samus, Peach, and Armando the Now-Mobile Password Journal chased after the thief, firing occasional laser blasts away, obliterating walls and pictures as they went.

In another part of the Mansion, Mecha-Pikachu heard the commotion and wondered who was doing his job for him.

Roy and Link (who was still struggling to get his pants on) skidded out of their room and landed right into the commotion.

"_Now's my chance!" _muttered the thief, maliciously grinning to his/her self. He/she darted behind Link, effectively hiding his/her self from his/her pursuers.

"There you are!" shouted Samus, pointing at Roy, who obliviously stared back. "Ditched the ninja outfit, eh? Well we've got you now, ya little pervert!"

"AAAAAAAAHHHHH!" screamed Roy as he was dragged away by the angry trio.

"Well, that was odd." Link blinked. The thief stepped out from behind him.

"_Hey, thanks buddy, I never would've been able to escape if it wasn't for you and your dumb pal back-" _The thief stopped upon seeing who Link was.

"_Oh, crrrrrrrap, it's you."_

"Hey… You sound familiar… Do I know you?" asked Link.

"_Um, no, no you don't." _stammered the thief.

"Wait a minute, you're the thief!" cried Link, finally catching on to the reader's not-so-subtle hints to look at the line above him.

"_No shit, Sherlock." _sneered the thief, trying to sound contemptuous.

"That's Roy's job, just look at the title." replied Link, frowning. "Actually those are _both _Roy's jobs. I recommended some prunes for him, but it didn't really-"

"_TMI!" _roared the thief, drawing two long knives. "_I can't allow anyone who knows about me to live… You'll have to die!"_

Suddenly the thief stopped, and began shaking as though waging some internal battle. Link stared, concerned, and extended his hand, but thief seemed to regain control and slapped it away.

"_NO! I am in control… And now it's over for you!" _The thief lunged at Link, who parried the blow as he drew the Master Sword.

"No way! If we can't find any answers through this investigating stuff, then I'll just beat the answers out of you!" Link looked over at Lloyd Irving and the cast of Dragon Ball Z, who gave him a quick thumbs up. He turned back to the battle with renewed vigor.

"_Raaaaaaaagh!" _roared the thief, delivering a backhanded slash at Link's throat. He dodged and backed away, as a closed distance would only mean an advantage for the thief's shorter weapons.

Gritting his teeth, he dropped to the ground and swiped his legs across the upright thief, knocking them to the ground. He quickly rose and attempted a vertical swipe at the thief's exposed figure, but he/she rolled out of the way and lunged one knife-wielding hand at Link's face. He ducked, but as the knife flew past, he noticed it was coated green, probably poisoned. He would have to be careful not to take even a single blow.

Taking a safer approach, he did a backflip and landed on top of the stairwell. Drawing his bow, he fired arrow after arrow at the thief, who evaded them effortlessly. Grinning, the thief dodged one particularly concentrated arrow, and leaped at Link, delivering a solid kick to the stomach. He tumbled down the stairs, and finally lay at the bottom, stumbling to his feet.

"_This is pathetic." _mocked the thief. _"Go ahead and get your friend Roy, the two of you couldn't beat me even together." _

But Link just grinned. "It's already over," he called up to thief. "Cause I just left you a little _present!"_

Already knowing what lay at his/her feet, but unable to do anything about it, the thief looked down to see one particularly shiny Bomb-Omb, right about to explode.

"_Faroredammit."_

_**BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!**_

When the smoke cleared, all Link could see was a small scrap of parchment laying at the top of the stairs.

--------------------Meanwhile------------------------------------------

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" screamed Roy as the girls and Armando took turns beating him with a stick.

"Alright Samus, I think he's learned his lesson. I'm tired anyway."

"Let's hope he has." replied Samus, delivering a solid kick to Roy's crotch. "Let's go."

"What did I _dooooo?"_ whined Roy in a high tone of voice.

"WHAT-EVEEEER. LET'S GO, GIRLFRIENDS." boomed Armando, and three walked away.

"Owwwwww…" moaned Roy, and began to make his way to the room.

--------------------------Later--------------------------------

Roy crawled back to the his room, occasionally moaning about how fate was cruel and Elimine hated him and something about walnuts.

--------------------------Ethereal Realm--------------------------------

"Hey, it looks like our respective heroes are in the dumps." said Farore to Elimine. "Wanna help 'em out?"

"No f-**beep!-**ing way," growled Elimine as she took a puff on her cig, "Mine peeked at me in the shower. He can go to hell."

"Gawd, I hate it when they do that. Hey, is that… is that your friend_ Roland the Hero_ peeking in through the window?"

"Oh, Me, I'm gonna f-**beep-**king _KILL HIM!" _

"Meep!" Roland (no relation to my muse) squeaked and ran away.

--------------------------------Mansion----------------------------------------

"Hey, Link, what're you doing down there?" called Roy (in a voice that sounded like Chip and Dale Chipmunks) down the staircase.

"Oh, just wondering why I'm such a failure." replied Link miserably.

"What are you talking about, Link?" squeaked Roy. "You're not a failure!"

"Yes I am," said Link. "Zelda hates me… The thief got away…"

"You fought the thief?" said Roy in surprise (still squeaky).

"Yeah, but I failed to capture them. I'm a loser…"

"No you're not." said Chi- Dal- _Roy. "_You fought the thief and survived! That's awesome!" He put his hand on Link's shoulder. "Link, I've never said this before, and I probably won't _ever again. _But… you and Marth and Shigeru Miyamoto are my best friends… I have complete trust in you."

------------------------------In The Real World-------------------------------

"OMG THAT ISH SO KAWAII!" screamed the yaoi fangirl. "IS SO TEH KEWT BISHIES!"

--------------------------Ewww…------------------------------------------

"That's enough of _that." _Link, who had heard that, shuddered.

"Yeah," agreed Roy, whose voice was slowly returning to normal.

"Oh yeah, the thief dropped this. It doesn't make any sense, it's just a bunch of musical notes on piece of parchment."

"It's a _freakin' clue!" _Roy practically screamed. "I'll take this." He stuffed it in his inventory.

"Roy, do you ever question where these magic inventories come from?"

Roy scowled at Link for a moment before slapping him across the face.

"…Thanks. I deserved that."

"No problem. Say, do you hear something?"

"The constant voices telling me to murder you all and dress myself in your entrails? Yeah. It's a shame, though, I always thought you were one of the ones who didn't."

"…You've been talking to Karel."

"…Yeah…"

"What did I _tell you _about talking to Karel?"

"Um, he's crazy and he'll kill me?"

"Nooooo…"

"I'm not worthy, he's too godly for me to even approach?"

"Damn _right_ you're not worthy. You gotta kill at least 12 people to even _look _at him. Maybe when you've gotten as far as I have, _then _we'll see if you're worthy."

"Right. But what is it that you hear?"

"Listen!" Roy and Link fell silent. "A scuffling… from the kitchen…"

Link crept over to the kitchen door and put his ear against it.

"Someone's raiding the fridge!"

"Son of a… That's MY job! This one's going down. It's probably the thief again! Got tired of stealing jewels, so now he's after our food!" Roy drew the Sword of Seals and burst through the door.

"DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEE!" He hacked and slashed at the person in front of the fridge, until finally Link pulled him away.

"Roy! We've made a grievous mistake!"

The person Roy had attacked was not the thief, but rather a certain very pissed-off Koopa King.

"What the _hell, _man!" screamed Bowser. "Can't a guy get a freaking midnight snack around here? NOT cool!"

---------------------------Meanwhile, In Pherae-------------------------

"It's now pronounced "Eli's Happy Fun-time Land"" said Eliwood matter-of-factly as he sat on his newly-made golden throne. The announcer glared and walked away.

Ninian sighed. "I can't believe you got the Council to agree to change the name of the territory."

Eliwood chuckled. "Of course I did!" He gestured at the members of the Pheraen council, who were tied up and gagged by Oompa-Loompas. "With my new minions, I rule everything!"

"Mail's here!" said Random Mailman #7305.

"Excellent!" giggled Eliwood, "Now feed him to the minions!"

"Whatever." sighed Ninian, before throwing #7305 to the rabid Oompa-Loompas.

"Something Important, Something Important, Letter From Supposedly Dead Father, Something Important…" muttered Eliwood as he tossed the aforementioned articles over his shoulder. "Ooh! A Bill!"

"Gimee that!" cried Ninian, snatching it away. "This isn't a bill, it's a summoning!

…

…_WE'RE BEING SUED!"_

_--------------------------_--In A Dark Executive Board Room----------------

The figure from the video sphere whirled around in her chair. "So… you've allowed them to come face-to-face with you."

The thief looked away. "It's that damned Link. I would've killed him, but… as you can imagine there were… complications."

"Quite." The shadowed girl looked away. "You know… The boss won't be happy about this. You went against orders. Are you… forgetting your debt?"

"No!" cried the thief hurriedly. "It was just… such a hard temptation… and well, with Roy being on the case-"

"Grrr… Just so you know, I don't trust you. You're lucky you're on His good side. Otherwise… Well, I think you know what would happen."

The thief looked at the third figure in the room, a certain Cucoo who was staring at them silently.

"I... know."

-------------------------------------End Of Chapter 11------------------------

I know that's not how Link got to be in SC2, but who're you gonna believe? Me, or _–**Twilight Princess**_**- **smelly old **_–pushed back again-_ **Nintendo –**_subliminal messaging doesn't exist!_-**?

Well, I-

(gets ambushed and carried off by mob of angry readers)

_It's about damn time._

**Fool's Fun Fact Of The Update: There's a new "Tales" game coming out.**

_You don't have to do that, he's not here._

**Force of habit.**

Next Chapter: Bowser and Giga Bowser Are Worshipped Endlessly By Our Heroes, Zelda Returns, Eliwood and Ninian Are Dragged To Court, and Mecha-Pikachu Continues To Destroy Everything In His Way.


	12. Who Is Giga Bowser Again?

Argh… After being hit with major writer's block, I finally managed to choke up an update! Hopefully the next one won't take so long, but I dunno.

Disclaimer: I don't own SSBM, but you do. Or at least you claim to. Now I will sit back and watch you get mauled by lawyer ninjas.

---------------------------------Chapter The 12th-------------------------

A flash of light, and the two combatants landed in the arena.

The boy wasted no time, flinging himself at the girl and unleashing a flurry of attacks. His fists blazed with hellfire, as he twisted left and delivered a series of flaming punches upon her. The girl merely stood there, calmly enduring his most powerful blows as he snarled in frustration.

This wouldn't take long, or at least that's what he thought. He dropped to the ground and delivered a fiery kick from the ground, knocking her to the other side of the arena and crashing through the wall.

The girl merely stood up and dusted herself off, smiling calmly.

Needless to say, the boy was slightly agitated.

"_Fight back, _damn you!"

"…"

"Grrrrrah!"

The boy snarled and charged at her. She stood there, watching as he rushed closer and closer.

Then she spoke two words.

"Over-B."

The boy stopped in his tracks.

"_Holy _hell."

He turned around and, panicking, made for the other side of the arena. The girl's eyes lit up, her pupils disappearing. As he hurriedly set up a debris barrier to shield himself, she rose into the air, her body crackling with insane amounts of energy.

Suddenly five bolts of light shot out of her, and wrapped themselves around the boy, effectively immobilizing him. He struggled in desperation as the girl raised her arms, creating an ancient seal in the sky. He felt the elemental properties of the world being stripped away from him: the wind howled, the waters raged, the earth cracked open, the fires blazed uncontrollably.

The seal in the sky broke open, and a portal to some nightmare-ish otherworld appeared and began to drag him in. He fought, struggling valiantly, but to no avail.

The portal sucked Blazing Fool in, and to where it took him… It is best not said.

Nakoya descended back to earth. They were always like that, trying to land as many hits in as possible. Would they never learn? Nobody could stop her. Many times in the past these would-be heroes had tried to confront her, and she had defeated them every time. They would come again, of course. They would attack, attempt to oppose her, and she would utter those two isolate words.

And all would be consumed by the raw power of Over-B.

----------------------Smash Mansion------------------------------------

"This is _bullshit!_" screamed Fox as he threw the controller across the room. "_One move _of Nakoya's is all it takes to beat me? You had _999 points of damage_!"

Falco smiled smugly. "N00b."

--------------------------Kitchen---------------------------------------------

"What the hell, dudes?" yelled Bowser. "I'm just comin' in here to get some marshmallows, and-" He broke off as he noticed Roy and Link kneeling on the ground and bowing furiously.

"Forgive us, Master!"

"We are not worthy!"

"Guys, I've told you a million times. You have to keep your posture straight when bowing to me. Don't slouch."

"Of course!"

"Genius!"

"Impart more wisdom for us, Lord Bowser!"

"Here's some wisdom for you: GET OUTTA THE WAY. I've got a bonfire to get to."

"A bonfire?" asked Roy curiously. "Can we come?"

"Heck no!" cried Bowser. "It's a villains-only bonfire. You two _heroes _wouldn't be welcome." He spoke the word "heroes" as a curse.

"Nobody ever invites us to _anything_!" complained Roy. "First Peach's sleepover, now this? And Mario's had like s_even _parties and he never invited us."

"Mario's Parties usually end up with the cops showing up and busting us for the 'shrooms they find in his basement." commented Bowser.

"Besides, Roy, if it's for villains, that means Ganondorf will be there, and I'd hate to have him break my restraining order so soon after I got it." said Link, brandishing a legal-looking document.

"Actually," piped up Bowser. "Ganondorf can't come. I couldn't get a straight answer out of him as to why, either!"

"Ugh, he's probably just off writing more yaoi about me." groaned Link.

"Mewtwo was supposed to bring the graham crackers, but now he's disappeared. I can't find him anywhere." said Bowser.

--------------------------------In Another Part of The Mansion----------------------

Mecha-Pikachu giggled maliciously as he blasted another wall to pieces (and destroying a portrait of Master Hand and Crazy Hand's father, Supreme Godly Overlord Hand, in the process).

"Stop right there, abomination."

Mecha-Pikachu swiveled its robotic head, only to see Mewtwo standing in the doorway.

"You fool," croaked the metal destroyer in an all-your-base-are-belong-to-us voice. "I have ascended to a level far beyond you and your fellows pathetic powers. With this suit, I have become a _god._ And what is that package you hold?"

Without waiting for a response, Mecha-Pikachu raised his arm-cannon and obliterated the small box Mewtwo was holding. Mewtwo let out a cry of fury.

"You _bastard!_ I was bringing those graham crackers to a bonfire!"

With a Norse battle cry, Mewtwo launched a Shadow Ball at Mecha-Pikachu, and the battle was on.

-----------------------------------Kitchen------------------------------------------

"He's probably off reading a book or doing something equally unimportant." said Roy. "There's no way he could, you know, be saving all of our hides from a super-powered Pokemon menace or anything."

They all had a good laugh at the thought.

"Anydangways, I guess we DO need more people to come. It'll get awfully boring if it's just me and Giga Bowser."

Link and Roy looked at each other.

"Who's Giga Bowser?"

----------------------------Link's Room------------------------

Zelda, apparently having left the room, re-entered. Young Link looked up.

"Where did you go? You missed everything!" he cried. Zelda looked confused.

"Missed what?"

"There was a big battle outside! Big Link was fighting a ninja, and Roy got the crap beaten out of him! Where _were_ you?"

"Bathroom. When did this happen?"

"Not too long ago."

"Alright," said Zelda, eager to get away from Link's perverted younger self, "And where did they go?"

"That… I don't know." replied Young Link. He suddenly took off his shirt, turned off the lights, lit a few candles, and somehow conjured romantic music from nowhere. "Now what say you and I-"

Zelda kicked him in the face and walked out.

----------------------In the Mansion----------------------------------

"Seriously, _who is Giga Bowser_?" asked Roy for the millionth time as he and Link followed Bowser to the front door.

"I can't believe you guys don't know him. He lives here! He _eats breakfast _with us practically every morning!" grumbled Bowser.

Link shook his head. "No, really, even _I _don't know him. And I know everybody. And everything about them. _Everything._" He glanced at Roy, who looked back at him, suddenly nervous.

"So, you know about the whole thing with the couch incident, and the-"

"I know about all of those… You sick, grotesque freak, you."

"Hey, at least I'm not stalking everybody in the Mansion." Roy smirked at Link, who shrugged.

"Look, I can understand that you guys wouldn't notice him." sighed Bowser. "He's kinda shy, and he mostly keeps to himself. But how could you completely ignore him? I mean, he's kinda hard to miss. He just… You know, he's not really in a whole lot of tournaments. So, he doesn't have a lot of fans."

"Ah, that explains it." said Link. "Our very existences are defined by the quantity of our fans."

"Don't you think there's something wrong with that system?" asked Bowser.

"No." replied Link and Roy very quickly.

"Yeah, so because no one ever pays any attention to Giga, he sort of materializes in and out of existence. Tonight's one of the few times I actually get to see him."

"Hey, anyone else hear a voice in the distance, shouting '_Hey, wait up!'_?" asked Roy.

Link blanched. "Annoying voice? It's Navi! _Hide me!_" Thinking quickly, he threw himself inside Bowser's shell, much to the agitation and disgust of said villain. "This is a major violation of privacy!" Bowser whined.

"Oh, never mind, it's just Zelda." said Roy, as she finally caught up to them, panting and wheezing. "What are you doing here?"

"Link's younger self was being perverted." she explained.

"Yeah, ever since he got his own game, he's been really snobby." piped up Link from Bowser's shell. "I wanted to be in Wind Waker too, but for some reason the developers were really adamant against it."

----------------------------Flashback----------------------------------------------

"So, am I gonna be in the game, or what?" asked Link, Young Link sitting next to him. Link paid no attention to the kid.

He probably should have, because while Link wasn't looking, Young Link pulled out a picture of the developer's families and set it aflame with a fire arrow.

The developers shook their heads rapidly.

-------------------------------Outside-------------------------------------------

"Link?" asked Zelda. "What are you doing in there?"

"I second that question!" cried Bowser. "Don't go rifling through my things in there!"

"I don't even want to know what half of this stuff is," said Link, "And, Zelda, I'm hiding from Navi. So, do you forgive me yet, or what?"

"No."

Link began to cry, much to Bowser's consternation. "You'll put out my scented candles!" he cried, but no one paid any attention.

After Roy filled Zelda in on everything that had happened, she nodded firmly. "Well, maybe this Giga Bowser fellow knows something about the thefts."

"Well, you can ask him yourself, because we're almost there." Grumbled Bowser.

"Mini-me? Is that you?" growled a voice from the shadows. A huge silhouette emerged, and even Link's mutterings of "I thought _I _was the only one with a Mini-me." were silenced in awe.

The figure was 8 feet tall, with gigantic spikes jutting from it's huge shell. Flames brewed within it's maw, and the creature's claws clacked in a terrifying rhythm. When it spoke, the air rumbled with the force of it's voice.

"They don't look like Ganondorf and Mewtwo." said Giga Bowser. Zelda, Roy, and even Link (who presumably couldn't even see anything) stood staring at him, their jaws agape.

"Dude," breathed Roy. "You're _cool_."

-----------------------------Meanwhile, In A Courtroom-----------------------------

Eliwood, dressed in his finest suit –a horrendous white tux with a pony embroidered on the back- fidgeted with his water jug. Ninian, seated next to him, slapped his hand, to which he responded with a whiny "Ow!" and a sulk. Their lawyer, Phoenix Wright (Ace Attorney!), held his head in his hands and wondered how he ever got mixed up with these people. Random Jurors #s 1342-8365 chatted awkwardly about family affairs and other such boring nonsense. Apparently #6149's cousin is getting married. That's exciting!

"The case of Willy Wonka and the people of Pherae versus Eliwood and Ninian is now in session!" said the judge, a fat Italian man dressed in a yellow plumber's garb and with a stringy mustache. "Does anyone know where the prosecutor is? He's late."

The door opened, and a figure stood eclipsed in the bright light from outdoors. No matter how much the judge asked those people to fix the lighting outside the courthouse, but they never got around to it.

The man, dressed in an elegant suit and carrying an important-looking briefcase, approached the front of the room. His red hair was combed down neatly, something no one would have thought possible.

"Sorry I'm late, Your Honor." Said the man in a very recognizable voice. Upon seeing who it was, Eliwood and Ninian gasped. Well, Ninian gasped, while Eliwood made more of a raspberry-ish noise. He was bored.

"_**Roy**!" _cried Ninian.

-------------------------------In A _Different_ Hell-----------------------

The portal opened, and Blazing Fool fell through the hole in the space-time continuum. Dazed, he looked around at his surroundings.

He appeared to be in a land of endless fields, and strange multicolored creatures with various appendages sticking out of their heads frolicked. They seemed to posses a sort of rudimentary language, saying odd phrases about "Tinkie-Winkie" and other frightening things. He was utterly shocked to see a gigantic _baby head _where the sun was.

He looked behind him to see Kojay, Nintendo Nut1, Xiao-Darkcloud, PurpleStarFairy, joebthegreat, Sentrosi, Suicune, Young Roy, CR The Mighty, DuoJagan, sasukeuchiha180, DannyFentonIsMyHomeboy, and what appeared to be a very short person sitting in the grass.

"She got you too, huh?" asked Kojay glumly.

Blazing Fool looked around at the strange little creature, the baby sun head, and the assorted people looking very doomed in front of him, reflected on the utter hopelessness of it all, and screamed.


	13. Bonfires and Spies

"Who… What… You…" stammered Zelda, recoiling in fear. The creature frowned at her terrified reaction. Bowser shook his head in disappointment. "B-Bowser… How did you keep such a thing concealed from Master Hand for so long?"

"He's not concealed!" cried Bowser indignantly. How many times do I have explain this to you? He pops in and out of existence due to his lack of popularity! But he's still technically a Smasher."

"Pleased to meet you," said Giga politely. "My name is Giga Bowser, and I have an alcohol prob-"

"Wrong meeting, Giggy." interrupted Bowser.

"Oh."

"Hey, wait, I remember you!" cried Roy suddenly. "You're the guy who kicked my butt all over Final Destination that one day! I had 3rd degree burns for weeks! _Me!_"

"Yes, well, that's hardly my fault." sniffed Giggy. "Blame your own lack of skill."

"I'd do that," admitted Roy, "except that I refuse to acknowledge any notion that suggests me as being anything less than perfection incarnate. Clearly the blame belongs to someone else, perhaps some kind of ultimate deity bent on my destruction."

----------------------------13th Circle Of Hell---------------------------

"Gaaaaaaah!" screamed the Roy on the screen as his body was flung into the outer reaches of space, courtesy of a down-B attack from the ruler of Final Destination. Blazing Fool threw down the controller in fury. "Cheating game of cheating that cheats me in a cheap of display of _cheap_!"

"The game is incapable of cheating." snorted Kojay, the infantile sun nodding in agreement. "It's a machine. Perhaps you should look to your own lack of skill."

"I'd do that," admitted Blazing Fool, "except that I refuse to accept any notion that suggests me as being anything less than perfection incarnate. Also, you're a sadistic imp of the devil, and you punt kittens."

"Slanderous lies." replied Kojay nervously, pushing the mewling felines deeper into his back pocket.

"So you say," sneered BF, his eyes narrowed. "But back to the topic at hand. Clearly the fault here belongs to someone –or some_thing_- else. I noticed that the screen had a slight grayish tinge- er, was incredibly fuzzy. Xiao, check the reception for me, will you?"

"My name is Final Authority now." growled Final Authority.

"Of course it is, Ms. Darkcloud."

"You just- all right, whatever makes you shut up and play." Final Authority trudged over to the television set and grabbed the necks of Tinky-Winky and Laa-Laa, whose odd (and probably containing secret sexual innuendo) head attachments apparently doubled as television antennae. "Here's your problem, BF. The little buggers are hugging again."

"What did I _say_ about that?" cried BF angrily. "It screws up the signal if they do anything except sit there and wait to expire."

"What do you propose we do about it?" asked Young Roy.

"Clearly, they are defective. We'll have to dismantle them and fix the problem. Cutting implements at the ready!" roared BF.

But just as the banished group's weapons descended upon the neon-colored abominations of nature, their latent defense mechanism kicked in… and the baby sun abandoned the area in fear.

It was Blazing Fool (the meaning of whose name had never been more evident) who would suffer the worst fate, involving a needle, a joystick, and 45 gallons of melted plastic.

* * *

"Anybody get the feeling that we were just completely overshadowed?" asked Link.

"I'm used to it." sighed Giga.

"Link, you loser, when are you coming out of there? If Zelda was going to hurt you, she'd have done it by now." Roy sneered.

"Nuh-uh!" whined Link. "She's gonna hurt me! Keep her away!"

"Oh, gross, he's not gonna wet himself, is he?" complained Bowser. "The bathroom's on the left!"

"Link, come on." Zelda said in a soothing voice. "I may be mad at you, but I'd never hurt you. I love you."

Link sniffed. "R-really? You won't inflict the terrors of a thousand hells on me?"

"Really."

"Well… okay then."

In a shocking and gruesomely explicit scene, Link emerged from Bowser's shell. I'd love to show you, but the goddamn site doesn't allow NC-17 stuff. Maaaan…

"What are you talking about?" asked Roy. "He climbed out the back! There was a hatch!"

Just then, Roy was utterly annihilated by a falling nuclear missile. Oddly enough, though it packed enough firepower to completely destroy a small nation, everyone and everything else in the area emerged completely unscathed.

A few miles away, a small jet landed and an angry author stormed away, ignoring the cries of help from Random Pedestrian #6935, tragically crushed underneath the jet's weight.

"So, did you really mean it when you said you loved me?" Link smiled at Zelda.

"Yes."

"And you won't inflict the terrors of a thousand and one hells on me?"

"Of course not."

And at that point, Zelda dragged Link away. Giga and Bowser could not see what was happening, but judging from the screams, it sounded as though someone was suffering one thousand and one terrors of hell.

Several heart-stopping minutes later, Zelda and Link returned, and the two dinosaur-monster-things' pulses returned to normal.

"Well, actually, we were kinda just toasting marshmallows."

What _is _it with you people and correcting me?

"So what just happened?" asked Roy. What the- Oh. He had a Maxim Tomato in his back pocket.

Dammit.

"We made up." was Zelda's answer.

"Soooo, on to more normal topics of conversation…" said Bowser through a mouthful of marshmallow. "What, exactly, were you two doing in the kitchen at night?"

"If they say 'each other', I'm going to gag." said Giga grumpily. "We get that answer enough out of Ganondorf and Falcon. Never eat food off the kitchen table without a tablecloth, guys, trust me."

The trio stared at Giga in horror for some time, then Roy plucked up the courage to answer. Good for him, the little death-cheating bas-

"You guys have heard about the stolen crap, right?" interrupted Roy.

"Yeah."

"Well, Marth went completely insane when his tiara was stolen. We locked him in a closet."

"Doesn't he need food and water?"

"Only if he has to eat or drink." replied Roy matter-of-factly. "And he _would_, the loser. Anyway, we want him back to normal. He's supposed to be the smart one, and he's completely messing with our fan appeal."

Giga sniffed a little at the mention of "fan appeal", and Bowser clapped him on the back supportively. "Go on…"

"Well, I found the thief and fought him…" Link was cut off by a sharp tug on his newfound leash. Zelda glared at him.

"Nobody told you you can speak!"

"Yes ma'am!"

"Yeah, so Link fought the guy, but he escaped or something. That's when you walked in, O Mighty Flame-Breather." finished Roy.

"You know," mused Giga. "I have a friend who might be able to help."

"Really?" cried Roy happily. "I knew you'd pull through for us, Bowser old pal!"

"But I…" stammered Giga. Bowser frowned.

"Just ignore it. Go on, Giga."

"Well, he's good at sneaking into places and finding peoples' identities. I'm sure he can help you guys out!"

"That would be great." smiled Zelda politely. "Thanks for your help, Giga."

"Yeah, what she said! Thanks, O Great Bowser!"

"I didn't do anything!" said Bowser angrily. "Give Giga some credit!"

…

"Giga?"

Giga's image was beginning to fade. His body flickered in and out of existence like a dying light bulb. "Ack! I'm disappearing again. Hurry! Get some paper! I'll write down his address!"

"Not to worry!" said Zelda, rummaging in her inventory. "I've got some paper right here!" She brought out a stack of glorious, shining, lovely pieces of-

Ashes.

"_Dammit, _Roy!"

"Eh heh heh," chucked Roy nervously, "Sorry." He hid his lighter lest the filthy non-pyros try to steal it again. Curse them, the filthy hobbitses!

"I've got a pen." said Bowser. Zelda snatched it from him.

"Now we just need something to write- ah-ha!"

Link didn't like the way her eyes lit up when she looked at him.

Giga was waiting patiently while the others scrambled to find paper, and so he dozed off for a few seconds. It wasn't like he could disappear before giving them the address, as that would ruin the plot. He awoke suddenly to find Link's face directly in front of him.

"Gaaaaaaaah!"

"Hurry! Write!"

"On his _face_? "

"Yes! Now!"

"Um… Okay…" Giga rapidly scribbled down a few lines on Link's face. Said elf began to scream.

"AAAAAAAAAH! INK _BURNS_!"

"Shut up!" Zelda whipped Link with her newly acquired bullwhip.

"There! It is done." Giga triumphantly capped the pen, ignoring Link, who was whisper-screaming some nonsense about ink dripping into his eyes. Silly boy. "Now I must go! Find the thief! Save your friend! Use the force! I am your father!"

"I told him not to watch so many sci-fi flicks…" grumbled Bowser.

"I'm not even sure how that would _work._" muttered Roy, referring to Giga's last statement. "I mean, my mom's technically a dragon, so I guess-"

Roy was thankfully cut off by Giga's sudden and dramatic vanishing, leaving only the faint scent of marshmallows and peach cobbler.

"Ah, poor Giga. We knew him well." sighed Zelda.

"What are you talking about?" demanded Bowser. "You met him for, like, two minutes! Roy still doesn't even acknowledge his existence!"

"Why do I smell peach cobbler?" asked Roy.

"And besides, he'll back in a week."

"Clearly Bowser is delirious with grief." announced Zelda. "We should leave him to his despair. Come on, Link! Let's go."

"I'm blind…" whimpered Link as Zelda dragged him off.

Only Roy and Bowser were left.

"Soooo…"

"Uh…"

…

Roy picked up a log from the fire and threw it into the woods. A blaze began instantly, and Roy spared a few moments to cackled maniacally before running off with his companions.

The sad thing was, Bowser reflected, he was pretty much used to it.

-------------------Courtroom--------------------------------------

"R-Roy?" stammered Ninian in shock. "You're the prosecuting attorney?"

"Indeed I am." sneered Roy. "And you fools don't stand a chance. We've got an expert case lined up."

"You're wearing a _suit_?" cried Ninian. "What… You… You're not Roy at all!"

"Why, mother, I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about." Roy dusted some imaginary lint from his suit. "Don't you recognize your own child? For shame, dear woman, for shame."

"Who the heck are _you_?" asked Eliwood. "Wait, you look familiar… Pent?"

"No."

"Athos?"

"No."

"Marcus?"

"How _dare_ you!" screamed Roy, furious at the insult, then regained his composure. "Enough of this nonsense! I'm here to ensure that you two go to jail for a long, long time…" And with those ominous words, he walked over to the desk on the other side of the room, opening his briefcase and rummaging through it.

"I don't know who that is, honey," seethed Ninian, "but it's not our Roy."

"Who's Roy?"

"Shut up."

Looking happy, Judge Wario put down his cell phone and looked down at the courtroom. "Well, it seems I've been put in the new Smash Brothers game. Who knew? Not those bags oozing with money that I gave Nintendo, that's for sure."

---------------Flashback----------------------------------

"Am I in?"

"Yes."

Wario danced for joy.

"A-Am I in?"

Pit wept happily.

"Am I in?"

"For the last time, _no!_"

"You guys can go to _hell_!" sobbed Sonic, and ran out of the room.

-----------Dark Room-----------------------------------------

"It seems our operative has assumed the form of Roy." said a tall, muscular man in a large chair. The demonic poultry he was addressing said nothing, seeing as how he couldn't really talk with a beak anyway. If only Falco would share his secrets!

"This development is extremely beneficial to our overall plan. With Roy's parents set against him, he'll be incapacitated and unable to hinder our plan. As you know, we have nothing to fear from Zelda. That's two down."

The man looked the Cuccoo straight in the beady eyes. "However, there is a problem. Giga Bowser sent them to You-Know-Who. We'll need to step up security."

The Cuccoo slowly nodded.

"However, I don't want you to do it."

The Cuccoo looked slightly surprised.

"I know you may be slightly surprised, but I need you to keep an eye on our little friend Link. He was nothing before, but he faced our other operative, and she almost lost. And alongside Roy, they may be a problem."

The Cuccoo was getting bored.

"Am I boring you?" demanded the man. "Very well. Go. See to it that both our little friends and You-Know-Who meet an unpleasant end."

Bartholomew Cuccoo stood up on his bony legs, offered a feathery salute, and waddled out of the room.

The man sighed. Cuccoos. He never trusted them.

---------------------- Military Compound--------------------------

"So where is he?" demanded Roy, inspecting Link's face for directions. "We followed what Bowser-"

"Giga Bowser."

"_Bowser_ wrote, and there's no houses here!" Roy gestured at the empty building, which seemed devoid of any signs of life. Except for the armed guards, that is, but they took no notice of our heroes.

"There's a box." pointed out Link, staring at an inconveniently placed cardboard box.

"Oh, yes! A box!" cried Roy in mock happiness. "Our good friend _Box _will solve the mystery for us! He's a natural detective! Our problems are over!"

"Roy, maybe you should open the box." said Zelda. "Maybe it's a clue."

"Yes, because every villain hides clues, maps, items, and treasure within easily obtainable boxes and treasure chests, right?" cried Roy angrily.

Link and Zelda exchanged glances.

"Well, _ours _do."

"Whatever." Roy glanced down at where the box was. Or had been, rather.

"Did this box just _move_?" he asked, looking at the box. It had moved several feet to their left.

"Oh, Roy, you idiot." chuckled Link. "Everyone knows boxes can't move!"

"Then why is it behind you now?" asked Zelda dryly.

"Behind me?" laughed Link. "There's no box behind me! There's only a grizzled soldier holding a knife to my throat!"

Zelda and Roy stared at Link silently.

…

…

…Wait for it…

…

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! THERE'S A GRIZZLED SOLDIER HOLDING A KNIFE TO MY THROAT!"

There it is!

"I don't know who you guys are or who you're working for," growled Snake. "But you make one wrong move, and your buddy's green tunic is about to get a whole lot redder."

----------------------------End------------------------------------------

Sorry about the long wait and poor quality of this chapter, but I pretty much had to type this whole thing in one day. I'm not supposed to be updating this, so it had to be done in secret. Sorry. I think SR might be going on a bit of a hiatus from here on out, though I'm not forgetting it completely.


End file.
